I like to go through the mental and emotional exercise of remembering all the moments from the day. In my mind I just don't ever want to forget. So forgive me. I am going to take a moment... a long moment, actually... and replay that day 3 years ago today.
What a day it was, too, three years ago. The day before at my last ultrasound appointment at Lucile Packard I was told that they thought Julia was measuring only 4 lbs 12 ounces, which meant that she basically had hardly grown at all in a month. They also thought that there might be an issue with the umbilical chord. So basically they admitted me to the hospital right then and there... No hospital bag, no jammies, no toothbrush, nothing. Bob was with me and Mattie was at a dear friends who graciously kept her through dinner and into the evening until Bob could go get her. I was freaked out. I was not ready. I had 3 more weeks until my scheduled c-section. I was scared! I was not ready to bring a child with Down syndrome into the world yet. And that she was only 4 pounds and not growing I thought the worst! I cried. I was checked into a shared room for the night with another woman on hospitalized bed rest. I never even saw her. Our curtains were between us. Late that evening long after Bob left to be with Mattie, my dear dear friend Karin came by to spend some time with me. She was pregnant and a week over due! She came and got in bed next to me. It was quite a sight, two huge preggos sitting in bed next to each other! I wish SO much that I got someone to take a photo of us. The nurse came in and was quite confused not knowing which one of us was the patient! We still laugh about this. Because she is a pastor she was able to stay past visiting hours. It was good to be with her. Then thanks to Ambien, I slept.
The next morning they told me that I would be having my baby around noon. It was a Friday. Bob got up to the hospital not long before I had to start all the prepping for the c-section. Like any surgery, it takes a while. It's a lot of waiting. I was not a glowing expectant mother anxiously awaiting the arrival of her baby. I was nervous and scared. I was fearful there was something terribly wrong with my baby on top of the fact she already had Down syndrome. I was not happy that she did not have the extra 3 weeks to "bake" safely in my belly and get stronger and develop. I had Bob take some photos of my belly... my last photos of me pregnant. This made me very sad.
Then it came time for the c-section. I had a c-section with Mattie. This was no big deal to me. My c-section with Mattie was a piece of cake, honestly. I recovered quite quickly. So that part did not make me nervous at all. They wheeled me in. I was "paralyzed" at this point from the waste down. There were heart surgeons in the room ready to whisk Julia away to immediate heart surgery if necessary. There were generally a lot of people in the room. Operating rooms are horrible places. They are bright and they are cold and they are sterile. Fortunately, the nurse I had was so awesome! She talked me through everything. I had told her that I am not grossed out by any of the details and that I wanted her to dictate to me everything that was happening. I love hearing the play by play of what's going on. I want to know! She told me what the doctors would say right before they pulled the baby out so I could be listening for that.
And that is exactly what happened. I don't remember what those words were, but I remember hearing them and then hearing Julia's cry! I was SO happy! Her cry was SO STRONG! It was LOUD! This was not a weak baby! She was a fighter! Before I got to see her a group of doctors and nurses had to analyze her and check her out on a table I could not see. No, I didn't get the beautiful moment of holding my baby the moment she was born. Bob was able at this point to go over and see her. He came back to report that she was NOT 4 pounds. She was 6 pounds 7 ounces! The ultrasound techs were SO wrong! They were off by almost 2 pounds! Bob said to me, "When I saw her I said to myself, 'That's no 4 pound baby!'" I was so happy I cried and cried. She was going to be okay! And the other thing Bob told me... she has RED HAIR! I could not believe it! I was elated! It was such a joyous moment for me. I was so relieved. I was praising God and I had hope for our future with Julia for the first time. Her Apgar scores were high- 9 and 10! We were going to be okay.
And then I FINALLY got to meet her and hold her myself. She was beautiful. And Bob was by my side.
That day I it was a good thing that I had no idea what the future would hold. That is God's Grace. So here we are 3 years later. Though I know I think about Julia every single day, I don't think of her quite as often and with the same amount of length and intensity. I used to be very aware of the 18th (her birthdate) and the 8th (her death date) every month that passed. And I used to count the months since her birth and her death. I don't really do that anymore. Life has moved forward and there has certainly been some healing of the wound in my heart. However, certain things will trigger memories and I will get very sad. Or I will think of her and my eyes will tear up. Thinking of Heaven and being separated from her can make me cry. Songs of Heaven make me cry. But most of my days are busy and happy these days. Mattie helps with that a lot. I have jumped into her life with 2 feet and she and Bob are the center of my universe. After loosing a child it makes one remember what is truly important. I try not to take my time I have with Mattie or Bob for granted.
We had a nice day remembering Julia today as a family. Mattie had school in the morning and we had her parent-teacher conference at 11:30am. Bob got laid off last week so he was now free to spend the afternoon with Mattie and me. So we had lunch out at Mattie's pick, McDonalds, and we headed to Mt. Hermon to visit Julia's special bench. We have been so appreciative to have that bench as a place we can go to remember Julia. It is such a beautiful setting in the woods- a place that fits our family perfectly. Because it is outside in the woods, it naturally gets very dirty. So today we brought cleaning supplies and we all worked together as a family to make Julia's bench clean and shiny and a welcoming place others can sit and enjoy. It was great. Even Mattie was very happy to chip in.
I posted on Facebook photos of the bench earlier this evening. One of my Facebook friends whom I have not seen in over 8 years sent me this message:
Valerie, I just saw the photos of Julia's bench. Our family has sat there several times, not knowing it was your daughter's. And, also not knowing whose family it was, I have prayed for "the parents" and the weight of losing a precious child, for the possible strain on their marriage, and for the extended family this would undoubtedly touch. I can't believe I'm learning now that I have prayed for you, completely unknowingly. I hope this will bring you some unexpected blessing today - of most difficult days. Lots of love to you, your sweet family, and of course your two very precious girls.
Her message to me meant so much! I have often wondered if when people sit and rest on that bench if they even read the plaque that was on it. Additionally, I have wondered if they read the dates on it and made the connection it was a memorial bench for a baby. It warmed my heart to know that at it had touched at least one person's life and it even happened to be someone I know! So there must be many others whom I don't know. To that I am thankful. It makes me happy that Julia is remembered, even by people who don't know who she is.
Happy birthday, precious Julia.
