Julia would have been 8 months today...

It's hard to believe she would have been 8 months old today.  I wonder what she would be like.  I wonder what milestones she would have reached. 

I saw a young man with Down syndrome today at a mall.  It brought up a whole mixture of feelings.  I live with both grief and relief concerning the death of Julia and it makes me feel very conflicted.  I feel guilt because of this.  My therapist tells me this is very normal but I don't like it one bit.  I miss my baby.  But the life she had and potentially the life she would have had was a difficult one.  I would not want that for her or our family.  It's messy and that's all there is to it.  And it is sad.  It's just very sad.  But only sad for us left here on Earth.  Julia is in Heaven.  She is healed and she is happy.  So I hold on to that.  And I remain sad and confused and conflicted and relieved and sad again.  That's the way it is and that is the way it will be. The 18th will come and the 18th will go and I will remember her.  One day I will forget how old she would have been.  One day the 18th will come and go and I will not remember until the 19th or the 20th.  I will feel weird and I will feel guilty about it.  But that's okay.  That's just the way it goes.  It would not have been this way in Eden.  There wouldn't have been dates to remember and grieve.  One day... one day not soon enough, we'll all be together reunited in Heaven.  That will be an amazing day.  Until that great day, it is my job to try to live life to the fullest, to love others to the fullest, to appreciate what God had given me here on Earth, and to know and love God more and more.  Not easy tasks.