1 year since her memorial service and her 15 month birthday

Today was the 1-year mark since Julia's memorial service.  It also would have been her 15 month birthday.  I felt a little more sullen today than usual.  There were a few factors contributing to this, I'm sure.  First, I didn't sleep that well last night.  That's never a good start to the day.  Then, Mattie discovered a bag of her old baby bottles in the garage and she decided to play "baby" this morning.  Did I mention that she's on break this week from school and so she's home all day after she and I were alone all weekend with Bob out of town?  Oh, yah, I forgot to mention that.  Part of playing baby is that she also dragged out my old nursing pillow and wanted me to pretend to feed her milk from the bottle on the nursing pillow.  While playing along with this my mind wandered.  I thought of nursing Mattie and how much I loved that time.  Then I thought about the fact that I never was really able to nurse Julia and how she was mostly fed through a tub her whole life.  We didn't know most of her life that she was actually fighting for her life and didn't have the strength to eat on her own.  Then I just got sad about wishing I had a real baby to hold.  (I'm sure at this point, any new mother reading this would happily say, "Here, take my baby while I go take a nap.")  Yes, I even thought about that... about how new babies meant no sleep and lots of work.  But that thought did not really help me feel any better.  And then the weather today was kind of gray, in general.  Of course, being from Seattle, that should not phase me.  But I fully admit I am now a California whimp and it does affect me.  But all those factors are just small contributors to the main issue: I had a baby and she died.  And today was commemorating her memorial instead of celebrating her 15 month birthday.

I've been reading the Little House on the Prairie series with Mattie and tonight, of all nights, we finished reading the last chapter in the last book of the series, "The First Four Years."  Tonight I read about how Laura's 2nd child, a son, died suddenly and unexpectedly.  Laura's first child was a daughter named Rose.  She was the apple of Laura's eye and full of spunk and life.  Much like Mattie.  Then when Laura's son was just a month or so old, he died.  She never had any more children.  I found myself feeling so sad for Laura.  It's silly, but I also found myself just a bit comforted by the fact that Laura shared a similar story to mine.  I also wondered what reading those words would do for Mattie's heart.  I asked Mattie if it was sad reading about Laura's baby who died.  Her response was, "Well, she still has Rose!"  Hmmm.  Yes, Mattie connected the dots allright.  That is what she says to me when I get sad about Julia: "You still have me, Mama."  And I am always quick to tell her how blessed and lucky I am to have her as a daughter.

In remembering the memorial service, I have many fond thoughts from that day.  I was so touched and overwhelmed by the support of my family and friends.  So many even flew down to come to the memorial.  We estimated that there were maybe 250 people at Julia's memorial.  A huge goal of the service for Bob and me was to give people a picture of Julia and to get to know her.  For many who never got to meet her, it was the only time they were both introduced to her and yet saying goodbye to her at the same time.  I wanted to show how meaningful and special Julia's life was even though she lived less than 3 months, that her life was truly worthwhile and valuable.   I really felt God's presence during that day and during the service.  The service was everything I wanted it to be.  My friend Melissa headed up a crew of friends to put together dahlia bulbs to pass out after the service.  That has been such a blessing because all throughout last summer, people would send me pictures of their beautifully blooming dahlia or tell me about their dahlia and it was so nice to see life come from death.  It was so wonderful that Julia's life was being remembered in these flowers.

There.  Thinking about the memorial actually has lifted my dark cloud and made me remember so many wonderful and positive things.  I have such fond memories of some very very special and significant time spent with some of my closest friends and family the days surrounding Julia's memorial.   God continues to show His love and faithfulness to us through our family and friends.  What a blessing they are.

Speaking of wonderful friends, here is a photo taken a few days ago of our mantle.  I put up Julia's photo on the mantle along with her doll and lamb in remembrance of her.  Along with them are all the cards people have sent us over the past couple of weeks surrounding Julia's Homecoming date.