I have a few hours to myself tonight. This is definitely not typical for a Saturday night. It is not how I would have planned it if I had been given the chance. But it is definitely a gift. It's been a full day with Mattie's activities steering the schedule. She had a birthday party to attend this afternoon. And right now she and Bob are at a Daddy-daughter ball! How about that?!? So awesome. The result? Time to myself on Julia's anniversary. God knew it was just what I needed as long as I took the time to use it and not waste it. I spent the first hour cleaning, putting laundry in the wash, and talking to my mom. Definitely not wasted time... but not the focus and purposeful time I need to spend in reflection of my daughter, Julia. My daughter who died on this day 2 years ago. Last year, I had a lot of anxiety around this day and we planned a very meaningful day that turned out just perfect. Just what I needed. This year, I did not have a lot of anxiety about it. Life has been busy and I have been consumed (or allowed myself to be consumed) with the daily life of Mattie, school stuff, Bob and his stuff, and all my stuff. It's been good stuff. Life has been good. And my day to day is generally very happy. The intensity of grief has softened. But my thoughts are never far from Julia.
I am listening to a playlist that I created for Julia-related songs. Right now "Be Merciful to Me" is playing, a song by Caedmon's Call that I used to cry out to God so many times during my pregnancy with Julia and even after her birth. It was my primary prayer after the diagnosis... Oh Lord, just be merciful! I didn't know what to pray. I didn't know what I wanted to pray. I was so scared for the future. I just wanted God to be as merciful to me and my family has He could. I deserved nothing... but asked Him for unmerited Grace. Did God indeed show mercy to our family in the life and death of Julia? Yes, He did. That I know. But it is not for me to say or know what parts were the work of His Hand and what parts were the consequences of this broken world. What I do know is that our family still stands. We are not defeated. God has given us the strength to keep taking one step at a time. Bob and my marriage is not broken. We have survived and are drawn to each other. That is God's mercy! ... And so was God's gift of Julia's red hair. :)
Where is my heart 2 years later? I have described it to friends as this: my experience with Julia (my pregnancy, her birth, her short life, her death) ripped a gaping wound in my heart that is now scabbed over. My heart is a little hard and calloused right now. I am emotionally tired. I don't have a lot to give. I am still in recovery. I am in a valley and a wilderness. I am wandering. Not from God...just around God. I am kind of wandering around like an ant who lost sight of his line. I am figuring out what my life is going to look like now. What is next now that I don't have Julia? ...Now that I only have one child when I wanted two or three? I am not happy about this at all. In fact, I am mad about it and I am working through that, too. I long to have another baby in my arms. And in so many ways, I didn't even get to really enjoy Julia. Most of my time with her was with tubes and wires everywhere in a hospital. I only go to spend a few hours with her each day because I had a 4 year old daughter who needed me and I was trying to keep life as "normal" as possible (with NO idea that Julia's life would be cut so short). I was cheated out of time with my only other daughter. I was cheated. I drew the short straw. It is hard for me to see how babies seem to just "work out" for other people. I know many women who have gone through fertility struggles... but what I struggle with is that most of them I know have ultimately been able to get their 2nd or even 3rd kid. I had my 2nd... but she was sick and she died. That part hurts and just sucks. So I live holding this pain and frustration in one hand and the mercy of God's blessings: my husband, Mattie, my life, and even my future in the other hand. And that kind of sums it up.
What about Mattie? Well, she is thriving. I know it is very normal... but she barely speaks of Julia anymore. Pictures she draws of our family that used to have 4 members in it now have 3 and a cat. We ran into a friend at Target today who said to both of us, "This is a very important day to remember." To which Mattie responded, "Yah! I have a birthday party to go to!" This kind of sums up that. Again, I know this is normal, but it is painful for me. This morning she felt my tummy and said she thought she felt something moving. "A Baby?!?" she asked excitedly. I assured her it was not. It was my breakfast digesting. She asked me last week if I am going to have another baby. My response to her was that I wish I could but I don't think my body and make any more babies. I feel I should be honest about it. Mattie is complicated and hard to read. I think in some ways she'd like a sibling but in other ways she likes having ALL the attention on her. Again, pretty typical, I guess. I just want to keep Julia "alive" in our house so that Mattie does not forget her and so it keeps the door open to talk about her. I am sure Julia's life and death will be something we discuss throughout Mattie's life.
Well, that's enough rambling. I thank God for this time that was orchestrated, intentional or not, for my benefit. I seem to not prioritize writing on Julia's blog as much these days. Part of it is that I don't have as much to say. But I am glad I got to spend some time tonight.
Goodnight, my sweet Julia. I wish I had the chance to kiss your precious red head again. I am glad you are healed and whole in Heaven. I long to join you one day. But for now, I have a very important job, and that is to be a wife and mother here on earth. My job is not done here. So until I get to hold you once again, I will think of you and long for you and long to join you where you are... where there is no pain, no sickness, and all love. You were a light here on earth, my sweet girl, and you will always be remembered by many.
My Julia Playlist:
My Hope by David Crowder
Be Merciful to Me by Caedmon's Call
Be Still by Justin McRoberts
Blessings by Laura Story
Held by Natalie Grant
I'll Rescue You by Bill Deasy
Learning to Need You by Justin McRoberts
Never Alone by Barlow Girl
Out of the Depths by Sovereign Grace
Homesick by Mercy Me
Heaven is the Face by Steven Curtis Chapman
Fingerprints of God by Steven Curtis Chapman
Oh Great God of Highest Heaven
Sing to Jesus by Fernando Ortega
You're Beautiful by Phil Wickham
Beautiful honesty, Val. Thank you for sharing your heart.
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