Sweet Julia would have been 9 months old today.

We are celebrating Julia's birthday up at Lake Tahoe today.  We arrived yesterday and will drive home tomorrow.  We are renting a condo from some close friends. There aren't many places that make Bob and I happier than being here in the forest and mountains.  Mattie really enjoys it, too.  It's been a nice day, overall.   We are looking to maybe buy a cabin up here so we spent the morning looking at some places for sale.  (We started looking at that possibility after Julia died.  It's been a dream we've had since we got married but we never really expected to make it a reality.  However, we decided after Julia died that it would be a good time to look into pursuing some dreams together.  So we're seeing what happens.) We grabbed a huge sandwich to share at the Tahoma market and had a picnic on Chambers beach were Mattie really enjoyed tossing rocks into a shallow pool next to the lake.  We then drove back to the condo, changed into swimsuits, gathered up beach supplies and drove back down to the lake for the afternoon.  It's been warm today with scattered clouds and a few sprinkles here and there.  We grabbed dinner out before returning to the condo for the night. 

Coming here was on my bucket list of places I wanted to take Julia before she died.  That was when we thought we had 6 months to a year, not a mere 3 more weeks.  I wanted Julia to feel what snow felt like.  I'm sure that God had given her more amazing experiences in Heaven than touching snow, but I am not experiencing it with her.  I am separated from her.   Mattie came in our bedroom this morning to snuggle.  I told Mattie it was Julia's 9 month birthday today.  Mattie's still trying to figure out the abstract time perspective.  She asked me, "Is Julia 9 years old today?" "No, Mattie" I said, "Julia would have been 9 months old."  "Is that still zero?" she asked me.  "Yes, that's still zero."  I said.  Then she asked me, "Did Julia come here?" So I asked to remember if she ever remembered coming to Tahoe with Julia.  She didn't think so and I confirmed that for her. We both agreed, however, that she would have liked it a lot.  Tonight, when I was tucking Mattie in bed, I asked her what she liked best about Julia.  She responded that she liked looking at her.  We then agreed that I had the 2 cutest girls ever to live. 

I wore my Julia ring today, as I will every day, next to my Mattie ring.  It makes me happy to have it.  I also wore the necklace Maggie gave me with the photo of Mattie's and Julia's hands on it.  It is so nice to have these physical things to touch and have with me at all times.  It is something I can touch since I can't touch her.  I have been having some moments of sadness lately when reflecting about Julia.  The night before we went to see her bench a week ago I was just inundated with images and memories of Julia in the hospital.   I was struck with such grief thinking about her suffering.  I was also attacked with feelings of sadness and regret thinking that I had not spent enough time with her when she was in the hospital.  The thought of her alone in that big hospital room in that big bed hooked up to all those wires without her mommy was almost more than I could bear.  I know that these are not thoughts from God (the ones of failure and discouragement) and that I did the best I could at the time.  I also know that Julia was cared for very very well at Lucile Packard.  But even as I write this, it just makes me so sad thinking of her laying there without me next to her.  It makes tears come to my eyes.  I guess I just never thought our time together would be so short.  I prioritized Mattie so that her life would remain as stable and normal as possible as Bob and I were dealing with crisis.  I still think I made the right decision prioritizing Mattie.  It was just a horrible situation.  No one should have to be torn between her kids. I just had to trust God then and I have to continue to trust Him now that He was holding her every moment I wasn't and He is still holding her now even when I can't. 

Happy 9 months, my sweet orange-headed Julia.  You are still thought of and still loved greatly.