Mattie started Kindergarten today...

Today was Mattie's first day of Kindergarten.  Overall, I was very excited.  But there was this darkish cloud that hung over the day.  My Facebook status sums it up: Today is Mattie's first day of kindergarten. I am celebrating because it's my first child to go to kindergarten. I am grieving because it's my last child to go to kindergarten.  

After all the parents dropped off their kids, the principal did a welcome-hoorah speech for all the parents in the cafeteria.  She welcomed all new and returning families.  Then she said something like, "For all you kindergarten parents, dropping your child off at kindergarten is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do.... blah, blah, blah..." Then she went on to talk about how they're in such good hands, yada, yada, yada.  She meant well.  However, Bob and I turned to each other at that point and rolled our eyes.  Really?!?  If dropping your kid off at kindergarten is one of the hardest things you've ever had to do as a parent, then you damn well better be thanking God for your good fortune!  I thought to myself, yah, whatever.   Then there's dealing with the questions from other well-meaning parents... "Is Mattie your first?", "Do you have any other children?"  And so it goes.  I just smile and say, "Yep, she's our only one."  It sucks.  

But... as there always is with our Julia story... there is this other side to things.  I also thought to myself today, "What if I had Julia with me today?"  My day would have looked very different.  I wondered what kinds of stuff I would have been dealing with if Julia were alive.  After I dropped Mattie off, my time was free and my own.  It was nice.

I am always living in this tension.  

However, I still grieve that I only have one child.  I never wanted only one.  I grieve that our path was so difficult and that so many other people seem to be able to pop out healthy typical children with no problems.  And I grieve Julia.  I grieve that Mattie misses her and wishes we would have another baby.  I just don't know if we ever will have it in us to try again or even if we ever should.