8 months since her death

Today marks 8 months since Julia died.  I have been thinking about her a lot lately.  In the past month or so, my grief has felt more sad.  It is like all the hardship of having a very sick baby starts to fade and I am left thinking more about her sweetness, her softness, her face, her hair, and all the good things about her and I miss her.  I miss having a baby and I miss that Mattie had a companion.

Fortunately, today, there was a lot of positive distraction.  We are staying in our Tahoe house... the one we just bought.  We've moved most of the furniture into it and now we get to start enjoying it.  It is truly "therapy" to be in the woods.  And it has been very unifying and bonding for our family to go on hikes and go exploring together.  Mattie loves it and so do Bob and I.  We are all happy.  Today we went for a hike up to the top of this cliff called Eagle Rock.  The views were spectacular.  Here is a photo of our family at the top:

Yesterday was Sunday and so we decided to visit a church in Tahoe City.  Since we will be spending more time here, I thought we should find a church we could attend while we're here on weekends.  It was a really friendly place and we all liked it.  During the singing, Mattie asked to borrow a pen so she could doodle on the program.   After she was done, she knelt close to my ear and whispered the interpretation of her drawing.  I was caught off guard.  First I'll show you a photo of the program and then I'll explain it to you.

So the picture she drew is of Heaven.  All the little dark circles on the bottom of the program are the heads of angels.  All the scribbles are Heaven, as in the space of Heaven.  On the right hand page, there is a sun that Mattie said was the star of Jesus. (Somehow the star of David had come up in conversation the night before so that was fresh on her mind.  I think the star of Jesus, to Mattie, is the star over the manger.) Just to the left under the "star" is a scribbled mass that Mattie said was Jesus.  And then if you can see the small scribbled mass on the right under the "star" Mattie said was Julia.  It brought tears to my eyes instantly.  I was already thinking about Julia.  I think about Julia a lot in church because that is when I pause and sit with God and that is Who Julia is with.   It is an amazing picture and very profound.  I will be keeping it forever.  Mattie is indeed still processing, as we all are!  But it brings me much joy that she sees Julia in Heaven with Jesus along with a company of angels.  It was perfect, I thought on the eve of 8 month anniversary of Julia going to be with Jesus.