It's hard to believe she would have been 8 months old today. I wonder what she would be like. I wonder what milestones she would have reached.
I saw a young man with Down syndrome today at a mall. It brought up a whole mixture of feelings. I live with both grief and relief concerning the death of Julia and it makes me feel very conflicted. I feel guilt because of this. My therapist tells me this is very normal but I don't like it one bit. I miss my baby. But the life she had and potentially the life she would have had was a difficult one. I would not want that for her or our family. It's messy and that's all there is to it. And it is sad. It's just very sad. But only sad for us left here on Earth. Julia is in Heaven. She is healed and she is happy. So I hold on to that. And I remain sad and confused and conflicted and relieved and sad again. That's the way it is and that is the way it will be. The 18th will come and the 18th will go and I will remember her. One day I will forget how old she would have been. One day the 18th will come and go and I will not remember until the 19th or the 20th. I will feel weird and I will feel guilty about it. But that's okay. That's just the way it goes. It would not have been this way in Eden. There wouldn't have been dates to remember and grieve. One day... one day not soon enough, we'll all be together reunited in Heaven. That will be an amazing day. Until that great day, it is my job to try to live life to the fullest, to love others to the fullest, to appreciate what God had given me here on Earth, and to know and love God more and more. Not easy tasks.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
My Julia ring...
It's been a few weeks in the making, but I got my Julia ring today from a friend whose family has a jewelry business. I am so excited to have it. I photographed it with my "Mattie ring." I plan to wear the rings as a set on my right ring finger. I had thought about the design of this ring shortly after Julia passed away. I am thankful to Matt who helped make it a reality. I have never been a big jewelry person, but since I had my "Mattie ring", I really wanted a ring for Julia that I could wear every day, maybe for the rest of my life, to remind me of her. I wanted something tangible I could touch when I could not touch her. To understand my desire for such a ring, it helps to know the story of both rings.
The significance of the rings:
The Mattie ring (thin ring with the blue sapphire):
Originally, this is the ring that Bob used to propose to me. It held the diamond that is in my wedding ring. This ring belonged to his mother, Sally. It was the ring Bob's dad used to propose to his mother and the ring she wore for close to 20 years before his dad passed away from cancer in 1985. Sally eventually remarried and so when Bob was going to propose, she offered the ring to Bob to give to me. I loved the ring and its history and significance and was honored to wear it. But as you can see, it is pretty dainty and I was worried about that. So Bob and I decided to take the diamond out of the ring and design our own ring for me to wear as my wedding ring. (Matt also made my wedding ring!) Then 6 months after we were married, we decided to put a stone in the original ring so it could be worn. No use having it just sit in a box somewhere. The question that remained was, what stone? My birthstone is a diamond. I already had one of those on my left hand so I certainly didn't want two. We went to a jewelry store and looked at several. I finally decided on this Carolina Sapphire. It is slightly lighter than a true sapphire. I picked it because I thought that blue, especially this lighter blue, was the most versatile color. That's it. The stone chosen was not particularly significant... until our daughter Mattie was born. She was supposed to be born in October but was born 3 weeks early in September. And amazingly, the sapphire is the September birthstone! It was at that point, I began wearing that ring most every day. I would say that I wore "Bob" on my left and and "Mattie" on my right.
The Julia ring:
Thicker band of gold with 3 small topaz stones embedded in it.
Even before Julia was born, I had contemplated a ring for her. I had my Mattie ring. So shouldn't I have a ring for Julia? Of course, jewelry is expensive, so it was only something I jokingly brought up to Bob from time to time. However, once she passed away, I decided this was something I really wanted to have and Bob was in agreement and very supportive of making it happen. Julia was born in November. November's birthstone is certainly not my favorite, topaz. So I didn't want a big topaz stone to wear. And I had my Mattie ring. I wanted to be able to wear the rings at the same time. However, I didn't think I wanted another ring on another finger. That would be too many rings. I'm not generally a glitzy person. Since my Mattie ring is a solitaire engagement ring, I thought it only made sense to make a type of wedding band so that the two could be worn as a set. Then I thought about putting a topaz stone embedded in the ring so it would be subtle. However, just one small stone seemed a bit too subtle. I'm not sure what thought came first, but I realized that if I put 3 stones in the ring, it could be symbolic of Julia's Down syndrome, trisomy 21... 2 stones and then 1 for 21. And 3 stones just seemed the right balance. I told my mom about my idea of the ring. She was able to take the significance of the 3 stones to an even deeper level. She pointed out that both my miscarriages were in November and so therefore, each topaz stone represents each baby I have in Heaven waiting for me. Wow, perfect. Three stones it is. It is eerie, but my 1st trimester miscarriage (before Mattie), my 2nd trimester miscarriage (after Mattie), and Julia's birthday are all within about 10 days of each other. This is not only my Julia ring, but the ring for my 2 other babies whom I have yet to meet.
The significance of the rings:
The Mattie ring (thin ring with the blue sapphire):
Originally, this is the ring that Bob used to propose to me. It held the diamond that is in my wedding ring. This ring belonged to his mother, Sally. It was the ring Bob's dad used to propose to his mother and the ring she wore for close to 20 years before his dad passed away from cancer in 1985. Sally eventually remarried and so when Bob was going to propose, she offered the ring to Bob to give to me. I loved the ring and its history and significance and was honored to wear it. But as you can see, it is pretty dainty and I was worried about that. So Bob and I decided to take the diamond out of the ring and design our own ring for me to wear as my wedding ring. (Matt also made my wedding ring!) Then 6 months after we were married, we decided to put a stone in the original ring so it could be worn. No use having it just sit in a box somewhere. The question that remained was, what stone? My birthstone is a diamond. I already had one of those on my left hand so I certainly didn't want two. We went to a jewelry store and looked at several. I finally decided on this Carolina Sapphire. It is slightly lighter than a true sapphire. I picked it because I thought that blue, especially this lighter blue, was the most versatile color. That's it. The stone chosen was not particularly significant... until our daughter Mattie was born. She was supposed to be born in October but was born 3 weeks early in September. And amazingly, the sapphire is the September birthstone! It was at that point, I began wearing that ring most every day. I would say that I wore "Bob" on my left and and "Mattie" on my right.
The Julia ring:
Thicker band of gold with 3 small topaz stones embedded in it.
Even before Julia was born, I had contemplated a ring for her. I had my Mattie ring. So shouldn't I have a ring for Julia? Of course, jewelry is expensive, so it was only something I jokingly brought up to Bob from time to time. However, once she passed away, I decided this was something I really wanted to have and Bob was in agreement and very supportive of making it happen. Julia was born in November. November's birthstone is certainly not my favorite, topaz. So I didn't want a big topaz stone to wear. And I had my Mattie ring. I wanted to be able to wear the rings at the same time. However, I didn't think I wanted another ring on another finger. That would be too many rings. I'm not generally a glitzy person. Since my Mattie ring is a solitaire engagement ring, I thought it only made sense to make a type of wedding band so that the two could be worn as a set. Then I thought about putting a topaz stone embedded in the ring so it would be subtle. However, just one small stone seemed a bit too subtle. I'm not sure what thought came first, but I realized that if I put 3 stones in the ring, it could be symbolic of Julia's Down syndrome, trisomy 21... 2 stones and then 1 for 21. And 3 stones just seemed the right balance. I told my mom about my idea of the ring. She was able to take the significance of the 3 stones to an even deeper level. She pointed out that both my miscarriages were in November and so therefore, each topaz stone represents each baby I have in Heaven waiting for me. Wow, perfect. Three stones it is. It is eerie, but my 1st trimester miscarriage (before Mattie), my 2nd trimester miscarriage (after Mattie), and Julia's birthday are all within about 10 days of each other. This is not only my Julia ring, but the ring for my 2 other babies whom I have yet to meet.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Mattie draws a picture of our family
We were at a Cracker Barrel in Florida having lunch and on the kids' menu, there was a space to draw a picture of your family. Mattie drew a picture that included Mommy, Daddy, Mattie, and Julia. I wish I took a photo of it to post on the blog. It was very cute. Instead of stick figure of Julia, she made an oval with a head on top as if Julia was wrapped in a blanket.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Julia is on an airplane in Heaven...
Yesterday we flew to Jacksonville, Florida. As we were taking off from SFO, Mattie looks at me and says, "I bet Julia is having fun flying today. I think she is on an airplane in Heaven." I told her I bet she was right and that I wished Julia was here on the plane with us.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Formula
I had 6 cans of formula left over from Julia. It was "prescribed" to her so they sent me 6 cans at once. I was trying to decide what to do with it. I could give it away to friends having babies. That's what I did with Julia's disposable diapers. However, I felt like I wanted to give the formula to women in need. There is a house in East Palo Alto that provides safe Christ centered
housing and support services to teen mothers and children ages 13-22. It is their mission to encourage academic, vocational, parenting, life skill, and social
development. That sounded perfect. So today, Mattie and I drove up to EPA together to drop off the formula. I also donated a couple of baby bottles as well. I told Mattie what we were doing and that the formula would help other babies who needed it. I was glad Mattie could be a part of it. I really have a heart's desire to live more missionally. I want a lifestyle of serving others. However, I'm not always very good about making it happen. I don't make it a big enough priority. It is much easier to live in my bubble. So one step at a time. How did it feel dropping off the formula today? It felt bittersweet. The formula was one of the last things in the house that was Julia's, besides the clothes and such that I saved. I was sad. But I was also happy that the formula would nourish other babies who really needed it. That made me happy.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
"Mommy, your stomach is big."
Mattie has been telling me lately that she thinks my stomach is big. (Thanks for the complement, Mattie!) I really didn't get why she was telling me this. I didn't think my tummy was that much bigger than normal. I certainly could lose a little more of my post-baby belly, but it's not that bad. (So I thought.) Well, this morning, as I was snuggling with her in her bed, she told me again that my tummy was big. This time I responded with, "You know, Mattie, I actually don't want my tummy to be big. Do you really think my tummy is that big?" Then the truth came out. "Well," she said, "if your tummy is big then it means my wish came true and that there is a baby in your tummy and I will get a baby sister." OHHH! Now it is very clear. She *wants* my tummy to big because she *wants* there to be a baby in it. Sigh. It was like a dagger in my heart. Her "wish come true?" If she only understood how I wanted her to have a brother or sister. I am sad for her... and for me, too.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Julia would have been 7 months old today
Every 18th of each month is a significant day in remembering how old Julia would have been. Today, we would have celebrated her being 7 months old. I sometimes try to imagine what she would have looked like. I think she would have been perfectly chubby with fair skin and bright orange hair. Even though Bob, Mattie, and I all have dominant brown eyes, I am pretty confident her eyes were going to be blue. I think she would have been smiley and flirty. I think she would have captivated the attention of anyone who crossed her path. I think she would have been feisty and yet mellow at the same time. One thing I know, is that she would have been beautiful because beautiful is what she was. She was a cute baby (and it's not just me who said so!)
I was feeling particularly introspective today because today was the first day of VBS at my old church, Highway. It was during the week of VBS one year ago, specifically the Wednesday afternoon of VBS, when I found out that Julia had a 1 in 3 chance of having Down syndrome. On that Wednesday, I had only received test results of a blood test. I had Mattie with me because it was going to be a quick heartbeat test. I was only 16 weeks along. I remember "holding it together" and then after getting home collapsing in sobs on the family room couch with Mattie not understanding what was wrong with her mommy. I was crushed. After I just lost a baby? How much more could go "wrong?" God wouldn't do this to me, would He? However, I was hanging on to hope that the test was false (or hopeful I would beat the 1 in 3 odds.) Plenty of people the next day at VBS told me to ignore those "stupid" tests since so many times people get prenatal testing with a worrisome test result and then they get all stressed out for nothing when further testing confirms that everything is okay. And yah, that does happen a fair amount and is why many refuse prenatal testing. I had that experience (sort of) just 6 months previous when my blood test came out with a 1 in 3 chance that my baby had trisomy 18, a chromosomal abnormality that is generally not compatible with life. However, unlike many, my baby had died and I didn't know it and after the amnio, it showed that everything was actually chromosomally normal. The baby didn't have trisomy 18. I had "beaten" the 1 in 3 odds, but I had still lost my baby at 18 weeks. Friday of VBS week I had the much anticipated ultrasound that would be able to look for trisomy 21 markers. It was during that ultrasound that they were able to detect that Julia (though we didn't know her name then) had a heart defect and that was very common for babies with Down syndrome. I got an amniocentesis that day and by Monday had the rush (FISH) results that confirmed trisomy 21. And then our world turned upside down. (I had no idea what crazy roller coaster ride and process was in front of me!) So walking into VBS today just brought all of that back and compounded with Julia's birthday, I was on the edge of tears. Fortunately, my good friend Christa and I were scheduled to go for a walk and run to the grocery store while the kids were in VBS. Christa has walked every step with me and so it was good to be with her. In fact, she had "randomly" called me that dreaded afternoon I got the "1 in 3" test results a year ago wanting to come over for a playdate just as I was unlocking my front door and about ready to collapse. "Oh yes! Please, Christa! I need you!" is all I had to say and in 10 minutes she walked through my door. God provided a dear friend just when I needed her most. God provided again today as He has countless other times. I may not be able to touch God or see Him... but He has touched me through so many people that He placed in my life at just the right time. Christa was able to cheer me up today. Thank you, God.
The rest of the day was fairly uneventful and mellow. It was nice. I was a bit emotionally drained (and probably a bit pathetically tired from my walk.) Mattie was pretty mellow as well. So I end the day not near as sad as I started. But, as I often do, I still end the day thinking of Julia.
Happy 7 months, my sweet baby girl. I still really really miss you and I always will. A year ago I was scared for you to be born. Now, I just miss holding you and gazing into those deep eyes of yours. I love you... forever.
I was feeling particularly introspective today because today was the first day of VBS at my old church, Highway. It was during the week of VBS one year ago, specifically the Wednesday afternoon of VBS, when I found out that Julia had a 1 in 3 chance of having Down syndrome. On that Wednesday, I had only received test results of a blood test. I had Mattie with me because it was going to be a quick heartbeat test. I was only 16 weeks along. I remember "holding it together" and then after getting home collapsing in sobs on the family room couch with Mattie not understanding what was wrong with her mommy. I was crushed. After I just lost a baby? How much more could go "wrong?" God wouldn't do this to me, would He? However, I was hanging on to hope that the test was false (or hopeful I would beat the 1 in 3 odds.) Plenty of people the next day at VBS told me to ignore those "stupid" tests since so many times people get prenatal testing with a worrisome test result and then they get all stressed out for nothing when further testing confirms that everything is okay. And yah, that does happen a fair amount and is why many refuse prenatal testing. I had that experience (sort of) just 6 months previous when my blood test came out with a 1 in 3 chance that my baby had trisomy 18, a chromosomal abnormality that is generally not compatible with life. However, unlike many, my baby had died and I didn't know it and after the amnio, it showed that everything was actually chromosomally normal. The baby didn't have trisomy 18. I had "beaten" the 1 in 3 odds, but I had still lost my baby at 18 weeks. Friday of VBS week I had the much anticipated ultrasound that would be able to look for trisomy 21 markers. It was during that ultrasound that they were able to detect that Julia (though we didn't know her name then) had a heart defect and that was very common for babies with Down syndrome. I got an amniocentesis that day and by Monday had the rush (FISH) results that confirmed trisomy 21. And then our world turned upside down. (I had no idea what crazy roller coaster ride and process was in front of me!) So walking into VBS today just brought all of that back and compounded with Julia's birthday, I was on the edge of tears. Fortunately, my good friend Christa and I were scheduled to go for a walk and run to the grocery store while the kids were in VBS. Christa has walked every step with me and so it was good to be with her. In fact, she had "randomly" called me that dreaded afternoon I got the "1 in 3" test results a year ago wanting to come over for a playdate just as I was unlocking my front door and about ready to collapse. "Oh yes! Please, Christa! I need you!" is all I had to say and in 10 minutes she walked through my door. God provided a dear friend just when I needed her most. God provided again today as He has countless other times. I may not be able to touch God or see Him... but He has touched me through so many people that He placed in my life at just the right time. Christa was able to cheer me up today. Thank you, God.
The rest of the day was fairly uneventful and mellow. It was nice. I was a bit emotionally drained (and probably a bit pathetically tired from my walk.) Mattie was pretty mellow as well. So I end the day not near as sad as I started. But, as I often do, I still end the day thinking of Julia.
Happy 7 months, my sweet baby girl. I still really really miss you and I always will. A year ago I was scared for you to be born. Now, I just miss holding you and gazing into those deep eyes of yours. I love you... forever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)