Every 18th of each month is a significant day in remembering how old Julia would have been. Today, we would have celebrated her being 7 months old. I sometimes try to imagine what she would have looked like. I think she would have been perfectly chubby with fair skin and bright orange hair. Even though Bob, Mattie, and I all have dominant brown eyes, I am pretty confident her eyes were going to be blue. I think she would have been smiley and flirty. I think she would have captivated the attention of anyone who crossed her path. I think she would have been feisty and yet mellow at the same time. One thing I know, is that she would have been beautiful because beautiful is what she was. She was a cute baby (and it's not just me who said so!)
I was feeling particularly introspective today because today was the first day of VBS at my old church, Highway. It was during the week of VBS one year ago, specifically the Wednesday afternoon of VBS, when I found out that Julia had a 1 in 3 chance of having Down syndrome. On that Wednesday, I had only received test results of a blood test. I had Mattie with me because it was going to be a quick heartbeat test. I was only 16 weeks along. I remember "holding it together" and then after getting home collapsing in sobs on the family room couch with Mattie not understanding what was wrong with her mommy. I was crushed. After I just lost a baby? How much more could go "wrong?" God wouldn't do this to me, would He? However, I was hanging on to hope that the test was false (or hopeful I would beat the 1 in 3 odds.) Plenty of people the next day at VBS told me to ignore those "stupid" tests since so many times people get prenatal testing with a worrisome test result and then they get all stressed out for nothing when further testing confirms that everything is okay. And yah, that does happen a fair amount and is why many refuse prenatal testing. I had that experience (sort of) just 6 months previous when my blood test came out with a 1 in 3 chance that my baby had trisomy 18, a chromosomal abnormality that is generally not compatible with life. However, unlike many, my baby had died and I didn't know it and after the amnio, it showed that everything was actually chromosomally normal. The baby didn't have trisomy 18. I had "beaten" the 1 in 3 odds, but I had still lost my baby at 18 weeks. Friday of VBS week I had the much anticipated ultrasound that would be able to look for trisomy 21 markers. It was during that ultrasound that they were able to detect that Julia (though we didn't know her name then) had a heart defect and that was very common for babies with Down syndrome. I got an amniocentesis that day and by Monday had the rush (FISH) results that confirmed trisomy 21. And then our world turned upside down. (I had no idea what crazy roller coaster ride and process was in front of me!) So walking into VBS today just brought all of that back and compounded with Julia's birthday, I was on the edge of tears. Fortunately, my good friend Christa and I were scheduled to go for a walk and run to the grocery store while the kids were in VBS. Christa has walked every step with me and so it was good to be with her. In fact, she had "randomly" called me that dreaded afternoon I got the "1 in 3" test results a year ago wanting to come over for a playdate just as I was unlocking my front door and about ready to collapse. "Oh yes! Please, Christa! I need you!" is all I had to say and in 10 minutes she walked through my door. God provided a dear friend just when I needed her most. God provided again today as He has countless other times. I may not be able to touch God or see Him... but He has touched me through so many people that He placed in my life at just the right time. Christa was able to cheer me up today. Thank you, God.
The rest of the day was fairly uneventful and mellow. It was nice. I was a bit emotionally drained (and probably a bit pathetically tired from my walk.) Mattie was pretty mellow as well. So I end the day not near as sad as I started. But, as I often do, I still end the day thinking of Julia.
Happy 7 months, my sweet baby girl. I still really really miss you and I always will. A year ago I was scared for you to be born. Now, I just miss holding you and gazing into those deep eyes of yours. I love you... forever.
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