Three months since she went to Heaven...

4:45PM.  February 8, 2012.  Julia took her last breath.  I remember it so vividly.  Three months.  It seems like yesterday and it seems like an eternity.  There has been a lot to process.  My perspective on life will forever be changed.  In fact, since her death I have been so much more sensitive to shows on TV.  There was a Law and Order show that showed someone in a body bag that had been dead a day or so... it made me cry.  Then there was a House episode just recently where this little boy stopped breathing and the mom was totally panicking... it also made me cry.  I know first hand what both of those things look like.  I saw my daughter take her last breath and I saw what she looked like after being dead 5 hours and her body starting to stiffen (sorry for the gory details... I hope I am not making anyone feel too uncomfortable.  However, that was my reality.)  Since her death, I would not say that life has "moved on" as much as I would say that life has "carried on."  I have the day to day tasks to do and a little 4 year old to love and parent that has more energy than the Energizer bunny.  I have more than my share of "distraction," that's for sure.  Right after Julia died, I felt a bit of relief.  It's so hard to watch your baby (or anyone) struggle to live.  And then we were thrown into planning the memorial.  It was good to have such a big project to help fill the immediate void.  It was also healing.  After that, Bob and I set our focus on each other and on our family of 3 as we worked on picking up the pieces of our lives.  We tried to fill our lives with some fun (it had been a while) and we started to look to the future and started to dream again, to plan again, to have hope again.  It felt good to do that.  Last week, however, I dipped into a valley.  What a strange journey grief is.  I found myself feeling rather depressed and really sad about Julia.  It was a hard week.  I missed her.  It was like all the dust had settled and the empty space the belonged to Julia was more apparent.  I felt her absence.  I saw other babies and it reminded me of the baby I didn't have.  They baby I was supposed to have.  The baby I no longer got to hold, her skin that I no longer got to kiss, the soft hair that I no longer got to touch or rub against my cheek.  Bob was also gone on a business trip last week.  So I found myself with time alone to think and reflect.  I think the space was good.  I still have the last thing that Julia wore on my dresser.  I pick it up from time to time to smell it and to hold it.  It doesn't really smell like her anymore, but I like to think it does.  One night last week I even slept with it like some kind of security blanket.  The process of grief.  I'm 3 months in.  It's a process that will last my lifetime and take many twists and turns, so I've heard.  I'll keep you posted on mine.

In the meantime, please don't forget Julia.  Please keep praying for our family.  And please never hesitate to check in with me and ask me about her.  I haven't forgotten about her.  I think of her every day and it means a lot to know you are thinking of her, too.