More about triggers and grief...

We are in the process of refinancing our house. In a couple of days we're going to get our house appraised. In order to "woo" the appraiser, we were working on tidying up the house and making things look as nice as possible. I walked into the guest room that was also Julia's room and saw Bob going through a bunch of old medical stuff that once belonged to Julia. He was putting them into to piles: throw away and donate. I was so surprised by my reaction... my blood pressure shot through the roof, my heart started pounding, and I felt total anxiety. I found myself getting very upset and I just couldn't let him throw or give anything away. He wasn't being insensitive to me, he was just clearing things out to make room in the drawers for other stuff so we could tidy. It was very reasonable. But what I discovered about myself is that I'm not ready to be reasonable yet. Tears came to my eyes and I got very sad. Writing this makes tears come to my eyes. I love my baby and I miss her.

Yesterday, a woman from the Silicon Valley Down Syndrome Network came to the house to drop off a meal. She came with her 2 daughters, the younger one having Down syndrome. I found myself sad. Both her daughters were beautiful, but I was especially captured by her daughter with Down syndrome. She had these adorable blonde curls and long eyelashes. She was so sweet. I imagined Julia as older and just as beautiful and precious.

Then earlier yesterday I brought home one of Mattie's little classmates from preschool. We put her booster in the back next to Mattie. After the 2 girls got buckled in, Mattie said to the little girl, "That's where Julia's carseat used to go. But she died." The little girl was very confused so I explained that Mattie was talking about her little baby sister. It made my heart sink.