Yesterday marked one-month since Julia's death... February 8th. Overall, it was a good and positive day. I had Bible study in the morning and Mattie had a playdate in the afternoon with some good friends. However, as the day went on, I did reflect and replay the events leading up to her death. Just one month seems like a lifetime ago. Life doesn't stop moving. Everyone and everything moves on whether you're ready or not. This is especially true when you have a four year old. So in many ways, life is back to "normal" for us. Even when Julia was alive, our life at home was spent mostly without her so life without her now almost seems more normal than life with her. But I still still miss her. I think one image that keeps coming back to me is the way her eyes would lock into looking at me. If I moved, she would track me. If I spoke, she would turn her head. I remember the doctors commenting about this. The image of her sweet eyes moving is one I replay again and again in my head. Another thing the doctors often commented on was how I got her to calm down like no one else. I remember it was her last morning at the hospital. I had decided to stay at home the night before and get more sleep instead of sleep at the hospital. When I arrived at the hospital, Julia was clearly agitated. The nurses told me that she had been quite fussy and agitated all morning. One of the doctors was there and she, too, could not calm Julia. I remember I went straight over to Julia lying in her bed and put my hand behind her head like I often did and cradled it as I bent over and put my face close to hers. She immediately stopped crying and fussing. It was pretty powerful. She knew her mommy. She knew that her mommy loved her. It ripped my heart in two to think that I was not there 3 hours earlier to comfort her when she needed my comfort. But when your child is chronically sick, you learn you have to also take care of yourself so that you are strong and well enough to take care of your child when she is with you. So I did not beat myself up too hard- but it hurt my heart nonetheless. I know Julia loved me and knew me. She knew my voice. She also knew that I loved her very much. I whispered that I loved her in her ear many times every day. I kissed her sweet face and her head, her hands and her arms. I miss my little baby girl. I do. I am happy she is not sick anymore and in Heaven with Jesus. But I long for the day when I can cradle my hand behind her head and hold her and whisper that I love her in her ear again. When I can brush my cheek along her soft downy hair. When I can gaze into her eyes and she can gaze back with that focus and intensity she once had. I have no idea what our "bodies" will be like in Heaven, but I know I will be able to hold her somehow. And I can't wait.
Oh Lord, please give my sweet girl a kiss on the head for me tonight. Love her. Hold her and tell her how much I long to see her again. Please hold my other 2 babies that I have never met, one a girl and the other only You know. Homesick. I am forever Homesick for Heaven. Lord, sustain me and give me the strength and love I need to pour into Mattie and Bob. And please comfort my aching heart. Amen.
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