I had 2 separate conversations this week with 2 different women sharing their experiences watching their mothers die. It was very comforting to talk to someone else who has "been there" and watched someone die like I did with Julia. It is a very surreal experience. It is weird to watch someone take their last breath. They are "here" one second and "gone" the next in spirit, yet they are still "here" in body. For all 3 of us, the experience was anticlimactic, which was a good thing overall. Our loved one died peacefully. But in that, it is difficult to accept they are truly gone when you can look at them in front of you. All three of us seemed to think to ourselves, "Is that it?" when it happened. I have not blogged about the minutes and hours after Julia died yet. I intend to. It was definitely peaceful and not as scary or creepy as I thought it might be. Having Julia in the house for hours after she died was not really that weird. What was and has been more difficult was feeling confused about the transition Julia made into Heaven. I know that there were angels singing and a huge welcoming celebration in Heaven for her. Her short life was significant and impacted people in ways I am still learning about. God used her life mightily and I know He is so happy to be united with her. But for me, I didn't get to hear the angels singing. I just had the hospice nurse tell me her heart was no longer beating. One second she was living, the next she was dead. I am still processing that. I still replay her last minutes in my mind. It has made me wonder about Heaven and question, "Is it real? or is that really just "it?" I've decided to have faith that Heaven is real... but I'm allowing myself to question God and process that for a while. I find what makes me very emotional is thinking about God holding Julia in Heaven tenderly... and wishing I was the one holding her. I miss her. Another friend of mine who lost her dad told me that she gets jealous of God that He gets to spend time with her dad and that she can no longer spend time with him until she joins him in Heaven one day. I feel the same. Eternity is nothing to the person in Heaven but seems like eternity for those of us left here on Earth to miss him or her. Sigh. I am sure that my experience of witnessing Julia's death will be with me forever and something that may take me a lifetime to process. However, I also am sure that God is big enough to handle my questions and my confusion. I am sure He is walking with me every step and that He would rather me come to Him with any feelings of doubt or uncertainty than try to suck it up and blindly believe or try to go it alone. God wants us to be authentic with Him. That is how He can touch our hearts. That is faith- that He will walk with us in our journey. I don't get it ("it" being a general statement about the confusing and conflicting stuff in this life,) but I don't have to get it. And that's totally okay with God. I just have to know that He's there with me and He's not going away... ever! And that that's okay with me!
Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
I Corinthians 2:5 ...so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.
No comments:
Post a Comment