Mattie talks about feeling jealous.

As part of our nightly ritual, Mattie and I pick 4 to 5 Bible verses out of her "treasure box" (on 3X5 cards) and recite them.  With minimal prompts, Mattie now knows probably 15 verses.  It is quite amazing.  Tonight, we were going over John 11:25 (I use a contemporary version of the Bible that is easy for Mattie to understand.)  It says, "Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life.  The one who believes in me will have life even if they die.'"  While going over that verse, Mattie covered up the last part of the verse with her hand and would not say the "even if they die" part.  So I inquired about it.  I asked her if she didn't like the part that said, "even if they die."  I asked her if it made her think of Julia and if it made her sad.  Generally, it is very difficult to talk to Mattie about feelings.  I don't know how much of it is a 4 1/2 year old developmental thing and how much of it is just Mattie.  I have to really dig to get her to say much.  She kind of said it made her sad.  But she was very clear about one thing.  She had a bit of anger in her voice and she said that sometimes she feels jealous of other kids who have baby sisters and brother because she wants a baby sister and she wants one right now!  She repeated the part of being jealous several times in our conversation.  I told her that I was sorry that she didn't have a brother or sister and that I really really wanted her to have one (she has no idea how badly I wanted her to have one.)  I asked her if she thought that Mommy and Daddy wanted to give her a brother or sister.  She nodded.  I was glad that she knows deep inside that it was our desire to have another baby.  I wasn't exactly sure what to say.  The bottom line is that it is very complicated.  I did tell her that I really hoped she would share with me next time she was feeling that way and that I wanted to hear about her feelings.  I told her that God wants to hear about her feelings, too and that she could talk to Him about anything she was feeling and that He would understand.  I told her I that totally understood how she felt and that sometimes I feel jealous of other mommies that lots of kids.  Before long, Mattie was on to the next topic.  Mattie hasn't seen the child psychologist since before Julia died.  It has been on my to-do list for weeks.  I need to call and just take Mattie to check in.  Mattie seems to be processing Julia's death amazingly well.  We talk about Julia and we certainly haven't tried to sweep things under the carpet.  But I am not a child psychologist and I don't want to miss something or not help Mattie process and grieve in the healthiest way possible.  If anything, I want Mattie to learn how to talk about feelings openly.  I think I will make a call tomorrow.  In the meantime, I have to throw my hands up and look up at the sky and ask God to take care of Mattie and our family.  There certainly is a lot of life I just don't get.  I'll continue to put one step in front of the other and trust that God is beside me and beside Mattie, too.