A visit to my OBGyn clinic

 

I had to go to my OBGyn clinic today to get my TB test so that I can volunteer at Mattie’s school next year.  I had not been there since I was transferred to Stanford at 32 weeks pregnant.  It was more difficult than I expected.  First of all, there were pregnant women everywhere.  It is wrong to assume that they are all glowing and happy in their pregnancy, but that is the way it feels from my perspective.  Pregnancy is supposed to be an exciting and joyous thing (well, maybe not the pains that come with being pregnant, but the expectation of the sweet bundle at the end- the dreams of the future.)  Then there was the rush of feelings that brought me back in a flash to the past.  It was like I was experiencing the 3 years of disappointing infertility, the devastation of finding out that my 18 week fetus was dead, the test results that my next baby had a 1 and 3 chance of having Down syndrome, and the confirmation of that information… all at once.  It was the sights, the smells, everything. There is one particular examination room where I found out about both my 2^nd trimester miscarriage as well as the test results for Down syndrome.  Fortunately, I was not put in that one.  But I can sure visualize it!  I don’t know if I’m going to be able to continue to go to that clinic.  I really like my doctor, but I’m just not sure I want to deal with all that emotion and past every time I walk in… especially if I never have any more children to create a positive association with the place.  I was on the edge of tears the whole time I was there.  My doctor came in to chat with me and check in, which was really nice of him.  He didn’t need to see me, but he saw I was there and made a point to come in.  I told him that it was hard for me to be there and that I missed Julia.  He was very compassionate and understanding.   I left the clinic okay, but still a bit sad.  …Sigh… on goes the grieving process.