I have been frustrated with myself in the past few weeks that I have not been on top of my blogging. I now have a running list of things to blog about in which I have not seemed to have time or make time to do. I was reflecting on why this might be:
A) I'm tired of blogging and wanting a break
B) I am procrastinating blogging
C) I finally have time to spend with my husband after Mattie goes to bed and it feels great to just "veg" out in front of the TV or soak in our hot tub (which I couldn't do when pregnant.)
D) I just am not making the time to do it... the tyranny of the urgent. It seems like there is always something more important to get done.
But I think one of the primary reasons is that I am no longer pumping. There was something actually sacred about the 20 minutes that I had to spend 5-7 times a day. It was a time I was "trapped" and not able to do anything but SIT. I don't sit very well. Also, the times in the middle of the night when I was sleep deprived seemed to be my most contemplative times. I am also not in crisis at the moment. I am in recovery. I have discovered from my miscarriage last year and my journey with Julia that when I am in crisis, my first response is to reach out to others. I don't implode, I explode, so to speak. I am an external processor through and through. Blogging was healing for me. I kind of miss the time I had... though I hated getting up in the middle of the night and in the early morning, those were wonderful times alone, by my self, in the quiet. Time to think. I have pondered getting up early to have that time every morning... I've never been very disciplined about the "quiet time thing." But I'm thinking about it. (The thought of setting an alarm when I don't have to just seems so wrong!)
Anyway, some of you have told me you are still checking the blog. I am so glad you are. It helps keep me going. I just know that I have about 5 posts that I WANT to get out and haven't yet. Don't lose hope.
And thanks for reading and journeying with me.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
"Where's Juia?"
On Sunday, at church, Mattie ran into one of her little friends whose family has been a close part of our journey with Julia. Her friend says, "Mattie, where's Julia?" I was very curious what Mattie would say. She says matter of factly, "She died." and then she ran off with her to play. It was such a 4-year-old thing to do. It seemed "cold" by adult standards, but it actually brought me comfort. I was glad to see that Mattie does comprehend that Julia died but that she is able to move on and be with her friends having fun.
Friday, February 24, 2012
"What?!? Josh is in Heaven?!?"
Yesterday I was at my friend Karie's house with Mattie for a playdate. Karie and I were sitting on the couch chatting and the girls were playing about 10 feet away with some little animals. We were talking about a playdate we had just the day before at our friend Emily's house. They had a new electric Jeep that the kids could drive and Mattie's little buddy Josh was in love with this car. We were laughing about how well he could drive it and what a "boy thing" it was. Then I quipped, "Yah, Josh was in "Heaven." Mattie, without missing a beat, whips around and says with wide eyes, "Josh is in HEAVEN?!?" Oh my poor sweet daughter. After losing Julia and processing Heaven with her, that was the WRONG thing for me to say! I had to try to back peddle and explain that NO, Josh is NOT in Heaven. He is just fine. That it was just a saying. I felt horrible and and yet it was funny (and not funny!) at the same time. The things we don't even think about. Words just come out of our mouths. Phrases we throw out every day that mean nothing. However, to a 4-year old who is processing the death of her baby sister, a phrase like "Josh was in Heaven," is alarming and shocking. She was afraid she just lost one of her best friends, too. The bottom line is that it is sad that Mattie has had to process what Heaven is at 4 years old. That a phrase like "I'm in Heaven" or "Josh is in Heaven" can not be used without Mattie being a bit confused and alarmed because she had lost someone she loves. That makes me sad.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Two weeks ago today...
It was 2 weeks ago today that Julia took her last breath in my arms. I found myself feeling sad today. Bob's mom, Sally, also left today so there is no one left staying with us. We've had grandmothers staying with us the last 3 weeks. It is time to figure out life again. In many ways, it is just back to "normal." It is more normal to have just 3 of us in the house especially since Julia was in the hospital so much. But the house felt empty. I keep thinking about her. Songs from the memorial have not left my head or my heart. I felt tired today. I haven't been sleeping all that great. I long to hold her again. To look into her eyes. To kiss her and brush my face against her sweet cheeks. I miss her.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Email 2/21 "I've been thinking about you and feeling thankful."
Dear Friends and Family,
It’s been 3 days since Julia’s memorial. It was a wonderful service. I was truly blessed by it. So many wonderful people stepped in to help make it beautiful. There were probably about 200 people there and had it not been a holiday weekend, there may have been more. I have been reflecting on how abundantly blessed I am to have the support network that I have. No one should have to go through what we went through in losing Julia. No one should have to bury her child. But then again, no child or person should ever go hungry or be abused or have to suffer in any way. But in the world in which we live, horrible things happen every day. There are so many circumstances in which we have little to no control. So in the midst of pain and suffering, it is God and the people surrounding us that get us through. Mattie, when on a walk with her grandma Sally, told her, “Julia is in the upper Heaven and I am in the lower Heaven.” And while this Earth is full of yucky things that do not in any way resemble Heaven, it is the people and true community that are a reflection of Heaven and a reflection of God’s love. It is the Kingdom of God that Jesus talks about 70 times in the Gospels. I feel that I have felt a piece Heaven here on Earth as I have walked this incredibly difficult journey from the love of people. I can not believe how “over the top” blessed I am by the friends and family I have. I reflected on how many different circles of people came on Saturday to support us both locally and from out of state. I calculated at least 11 different circles of people who took time to come celebrate Julia’s life with us. Over the weekend, we were able to spend some wonderful time with the out of town family and guests who came and were surrounded by love. It dulled our pain. However, I know that darker days are ahead: after the chaos of the last 3 months has settled, when all the family has gone home, when the house is quiet, and I have more time to be alone and think. It will be as I put away the baby things that Julia used or never got to use. It will be when I see any little red-headed baby, or probably any baby for that matter. That is when I will feel Julia’s absence. Every 18th of each month, I will quietly think about her month birthday markers. Just last night, Bob said, “The house is quiet without Julia. I miss being able to hold her.” I miss her, too: her soft skin, her downy hair, her deep eyes, and her feisty cry. But I know I will miss her even more in the months to come when reality has settled in. So it will be all of you who will help fill the “Julia” hole in our heart (though the hole can never be completely filled.) We will need your love and some fun distraction. We will need you to cry with us but also laugh with us. I want to invite you all to “pester” us as much as you want. Please do not fear that you are bugging us or that we need more time to heal. We do indeed need time to heal. But healing can come when we have some fun in our lives. We have had a very rough 3 years… from infertility, to miscarriage, to losing Julia. We need to start to dream again, to laugh again, to live again. I invite you to help us. We’d love to spend time with you. Please feel free to talk about Julia with us. Feel free to text me just to say you are thinking or praying for us. If something reminded you of Julia, please feel free to share that with me… even if it is 6 months or a year from now. You can know, that I will be thinking of her... probably most every day for the rest of my life. So it won’t come as a shock to be reminded of her again. Basically, we are going to need your love and friendship even more in the months to come. And what brings me more comfort and hope than you can know is knowing that I have friends to lean on in the coming days, months, and years. I feel so thankful for the love you have shown us. And I know that because of your love and friendship we’re going to “make it” in the months and years to come. I am so thankful for my friends and my family. I am thankful for YOU!
I will continue to post to Julia’s blog in the coming weeks and months as I process her life and her death. So feel free to join me in my process if you would like at
juliaalexandrabrown.blogspot.com
Also, I want to invite you once again, if Julia has touched your life in anyway, to email me to tell me about it. It can be in the next days or in a year. Hearing about the impact of her life on others brings me such joy and comfort. Thank you for those who have already written me.
Again, know that I love you and am thankful for you.
Love,
Val
It’s been 3 days since Julia’s memorial. It was a wonderful service. I was truly blessed by it. So many wonderful people stepped in to help make it beautiful. There were probably about 200 people there and had it not been a holiday weekend, there may have been more. I have been reflecting on how abundantly blessed I am to have the support network that I have. No one should have to go through what we went through in losing Julia. No one should have to bury her child. But then again, no child or person should ever go hungry or be abused or have to suffer in any way. But in the world in which we live, horrible things happen every day. There are so many circumstances in which we have little to no control. So in the midst of pain and suffering, it is God and the people surrounding us that get us through. Mattie, when on a walk with her grandma Sally, told her, “Julia is in the upper Heaven and I am in the lower Heaven.” And while this Earth is full of yucky things that do not in any way resemble Heaven, it is the people and true community that are a reflection of Heaven and a reflection of God’s love. It is the Kingdom of God that Jesus talks about 70 times in the Gospels. I feel that I have felt a piece Heaven here on Earth as I have walked this incredibly difficult journey from the love of people. I can not believe how “over the top” blessed I am by the friends and family I have. I reflected on how many different circles of people came on Saturday to support us both locally and from out of state. I calculated at least 11 different circles of people who took time to come celebrate Julia’s life with us. Over the weekend, we were able to spend some wonderful time with the out of town family and guests who came and were surrounded by love. It dulled our pain. However, I know that darker days are ahead: after the chaos of the last 3 months has settled, when all the family has gone home, when the house is quiet, and I have more time to be alone and think. It will be as I put away the baby things that Julia used or never got to use. It will be when I see any little red-headed baby, or probably any baby for that matter. That is when I will feel Julia’s absence. Every 18th of each month, I will quietly think about her month birthday markers. Just last night, Bob said, “The house is quiet without Julia. I miss being able to hold her.” I miss her, too: her soft skin, her downy hair, her deep eyes, and her feisty cry. But I know I will miss her even more in the months to come when reality has settled in. So it will be all of you who will help fill the “Julia” hole in our heart (though the hole can never be completely filled.) We will need your love and some fun distraction. We will need you to cry with us but also laugh with us. I want to invite you all to “pester” us as much as you want. Please do not fear that you are bugging us or that we need more time to heal. We do indeed need time to heal. But healing can come when we have some fun in our lives. We have had a very rough 3 years… from infertility, to miscarriage, to losing Julia. We need to start to dream again, to laugh again, to live again. I invite you to help us. We’d love to spend time with you. Please feel free to talk about Julia with us. Feel free to text me just to say you are thinking or praying for us. If something reminded you of Julia, please feel free to share that with me… even if it is 6 months or a year from now. You can know, that I will be thinking of her... probably most every day for the rest of my life. So it won’t come as a shock to be reminded of her again. Basically, we are going to need your love and friendship even more in the months to come. And what brings me more comfort and hope than you can know is knowing that I have friends to lean on in the coming days, months, and years. I feel so thankful for the love you have shown us. And I know that because of your love and friendship we’re going to “make it” in the months and years to come. I am so thankful for my friends and my family. I am thankful for YOU!
I will continue to post to Julia’s blog in the coming weeks and months as I process her life and her death. So feel free to join me in my process if you would like at
juliaalexandrabrown.blogspot.com
Also, I want to invite you once again, if Julia has touched your life in anyway, to email me to tell me about it. It can be in the next days or in a year. Hearing about the impact of her life on others brings me such joy and comfort. Thank you for those who have already written me.
Again, know that I love you and am thankful for you.
Love,
Val
Monday, February 20, 2012
Karin's talk from Julia's Memorial
I’ve known Val for about three decades. Over the years we’ve walked with each other through numerous challenges and shared joys of dreams realized and tears over dreams dashed. But never could we have imagined the journey we’ve shared over the past year. And more than any other time in our lives, I have felt honored that Val allowed me to walk with her, to talk with her, to hope with her, and to cry with her. Never could we have imagined that our friendship would bring us to a point of being together as one of us watched her child breathe her last breath.
It’s easy to assume and to realize that Julia’s life changed Bob and Val and their family forever. Of course it did. It had to. But the impact of Julia’s life is far greater and wider than that. Each of us is here because we have been impacted by Julia’s life. Some of you were privileged to meet her in person. Others knew her through the emails Val and Bob sent and through the blog Val kept for her. But in some way Julia has touched your life.
Julia certainly deepened community ties. At the preschool Mattie attends, parents were regularly asking one another what they had heard about Julia and whether there was any new update. People’s conversations had a new depth because of their care for Julia and her family. Small talk lost its power as it gave way to concern for a life that was lived precariously.
And Julia called people into a deeper life of prayer. I know that has been true for me. Julia was so constantly on my heart and in my thoughts and my thoughts turned to prayer. It was easy to pray for healing and when it seemed the healing I longed to see was not the healing God was going to grant, I clung to the promise of Scripture that the Spirit of God would intercede for me when I didn’t know how to pray.
I know many of you experienced something similar. You found yourself praying more because of her. As you made meals or gave rides or hosted play dates or just found yourself thinking about Julia as you watched your own children or walked through the details of life. And I truly believe that when we spend time in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ through prayer, we cannot help but be changed.
And it wasn’t just people who shared faith in Christ. There were those who question whether God exists that found themselves praying for sweet little Julia. Such was the impact of Julia and the love Bob and Val demonstrated for her through so much time spent with her during the long days at the hospital and visits to her after long days at work for Bob.
Julia touched the hearts of young children, those that know Mattie or know the Browns in some other way. But Julia also touched the hearts of the hospital staff and the doctors. She changed those who knew her.
I’m sure that as stories are shared it will be clear that Julia, who so badly needed healing herself, brought healing to the lives of others. I don’t mean to sugar coat anything. No impact or meaning can eclipse pain of her struggle, the reality of her death or the sadness of absence. But it does call us forward to honor her short life by allowing the ways she changed us to carry forth. To continue in our life of prayer. To continue in relationships of depth. I know that I want to continue to turn more quickly to prayer as I did and thereby honor Julia’s life and death.
It’s easy to assume and to realize that Julia’s life changed Bob and Val and their family forever. Of course it did. It had to. But the impact of Julia’s life is far greater and wider than that. Each of us is here because we have been impacted by Julia’s life. Some of you were privileged to meet her in person. Others knew her through the emails Val and Bob sent and through the blog Val kept for her. But in some way Julia has touched your life.
Julia certainly deepened community ties. At the preschool Mattie attends, parents were regularly asking one another what they had heard about Julia and whether there was any new update. People’s conversations had a new depth because of their care for Julia and her family. Small talk lost its power as it gave way to concern for a life that was lived precariously.
And Julia called people into a deeper life of prayer. I know that has been true for me. Julia was so constantly on my heart and in my thoughts and my thoughts turned to prayer. It was easy to pray for healing and when it seemed the healing I longed to see was not the healing God was going to grant, I clung to the promise of Scripture that the Spirit of God would intercede for me when I didn’t know how to pray.
I know many of you experienced something similar. You found yourself praying more because of her. As you made meals or gave rides or hosted play dates or just found yourself thinking about Julia as you watched your own children or walked through the details of life. And I truly believe that when we spend time in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ through prayer, we cannot help but be changed.
And it wasn’t just people who shared faith in Christ. There were those who question whether God exists that found themselves praying for sweet little Julia. Such was the impact of Julia and the love Bob and Val demonstrated for her through so much time spent with her during the long days at the hospital and visits to her after long days at work for Bob.
Julia touched the hearts of young children, those that know Mattie or know the Browns in some other way. But Julia also touched the hearts of the hospital staff and the doctors. She changed those who knew her.
I’m sure that as stories are shared it will be clear that Julia, who so badly needed healing herself, brought healing to the lives of others. I don’t mean to sugar coat anything. No impact or meaning can eclipse pain of her struggle, the reality of her death or the sadness of absence. But it does call us forward to honor her short life by allowing the ways she changed us to carry forth. To continue in our life of prayer. To continue in relationships of depth. I know that I want to continue to turn more quickly to prayer as I did and thereby honor Julia’s life and death.
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