Julia is on an airplane in Heaven...

Yesterday we flew to Jacksonville, Florida.  As we were taking off from SFO, Mattie looks at me and says, "I bet Julia is having fun flying today.  I think she is on an airplane in Heaven."  I told her I bet she was right and that I wished Julia was here on the plane with us. 

Formula

I had 6 cans of formula left over from Julia.  It was "prescribed" to her so they sent me 6 cans at once.  I was trying to decide what to do with it.  I could give it away to friends having babies.  That's what I did with Julia's disposable diapers.  However, I felt like I wanted to give the formula to women in need.  There is a house in East Palo Alto that provides safe Christ centered housing and support services to teen mothers and children ages 13-22.  It is their mission to encourage academic, vocational, parenting, life skill, and social development.  That sounded perfect.  So today, Mattie and I drove up to EPA together to drop off the formula.  I also donated a couple of baby bottles as well.  I told Mattie what we were doing and that the formula would help other babies who needed it.  I was glad Mattie could be a part of it.  I really have a heart's desire to live more missionally.  I want a lifestyle of serving others.  However, I'm not always very good about making it happen.   I don't make it a big enough priority.  It is much easier to live in my bubble.  So one step at a time.  How did it feel dropping off the formula today?  It felt bittersweet.  The formula was one of the last things in the house that was Julia's, besides the clothes and such that I saved.  I was sad.  But I was also happy that the formula would nourish other babies who really needed it.  That made me happy. 

"Mommy, your stomach is big."

Mattie has been telling me lately that she thinks my stomach is big.  (Thanks for the complement, Mattie!)  I really didn't get why she was telling me this.  I didn't think my tummy was that much bigger than normal.  I certainly could lose a little more of my post-baby belly, but it's not that bad. (So I thought.) Well, this morning, as I was snuggling with her in her bed, she told me again that my tummy was big.  This time I responded with, "You know, Mattie, I actually don't want my tummy to be big.  Do you really think my tummy is that big?"  Then the truth came out.  "Well," she said, "if your tummy is big then it means my wish came true and that there is a baby in your tummy and I will get a baby sister." OHHH!  Now it is very clear.  She *wants* my tummy to big because she *wants* there to be a baby in it.  Sigh.  It was like a dagger in my heart.   Her "wish come true?"  If she only understood how I wanted her to have a brother or sister.  I am sad for her... and for me, too. 

Julia would have been 7 months old today

Every 18th of each month is a significant day in remembering how old Julia would have been.  Today, we would have celebrated her being 7 months old.  I sometimes try to imagine what she would have looked like.  I think she would have been perfectly chubby with fair skin and bright orange hair.  Even though Bob, Mattie, and I all have dominant brown eyes, I am pretty confident her eyes were going to be blue.  I think she would have been smiley and flirty.  I think she would have captivated the attention of anyone who crossed her path.  I think she would have been feisty and yet mellow at the same time.  One thing I know, is that she would have been beautiful because beautiful is what she was.  She was a cute baby (and it's not just me who said so!) 

I was feeling particularly introspective today because today was the first day of VBS at my old church, Highway.  It was during the week of VBS one year ago, specifically the Wednesday afternoon of VBS, when I found out that Julia had a 1 in 3 chance of having Down syndrome.  On that Wednesday, I had only received test results of a blood test.  I had Mattie with me because it was going to be a quick heartbeat test.  I was only 16 weeks along.  I remember "holding it together" and then after getting home collapsing in sobs on the family room couch with Mattie not understanding what was wrong with her mommy.  I was crushed.  After I just lost a baby?  How much more could go "wrong?"  God wouldn't do this to me, would He?  However, I was hanging on to hope that the test was false (or hopeful I would beat the 1 in 3 odds.)  Plenty of people the next day at VBS told me to ignore those "stupid" tests since so many times people get prenatal testing with a worrisome test result and then they get all stressed out for nothing when further testing confirms that everything is okay.  And yah, that does happen a fair amount and is why many refuse prenatal testing.  I had that experience (sort of) just 6 months previous when my blood test came out with a 1 in 3 chance that my baby had trisomy 18, a chromosomal abnormality that is generally not compatible with life.  However, unlike many, my baby had died and I didn't know it and after the amnio, it showed that everything was actually chromosomally normal.  The baby didn't have trisomy 18.  I had "beaten" the 1 in 3 odds, but I had still lost my baby at 18 weeks.  Friday of VBS week I had the much anticipated ultrasound that would be able to look for trisomy 21 markers.  It was during that ultrasound that they were able to detect that Julia (though we didn't know her name then) had a heart defect and that was very common for babies with Down syndrome.  I got an amniocentesis that day and by Monday had the rush (FISH) results that confirmed trisomy 21.  And then our world turned upside down.  (I had no idea what crazy roller coaster ride and process was in front of me!)  So walking into VBS today just brought all of that back and compounded with Julia's birthday, I was on the edge of tears.  Fortunately, my good friend Christa and I were scheduled to go for a walk and run to the grocery store while the kids were in VBS.  Christa has walked every step with me and so it was good to be with her.  In fact, she had "randomly" called me that dreaded afternoon I got the "1 in 3" test results a year ago wanting to come over for a playdate just as I was unlocking my front door and about ready to collapse.  "Oh yes! Please, Christa!  I need you!" is all I had to say and in 10 minutes she walked through my door.  God provided a dear friend just when I needed her most.  God provided again today as He has countless other times.  I may not be able to touch God or see Him... but He has touched me through so many people that He placed in my life at just the right time.  Christa was able to cheer me up today.  Thank you, God. 

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful and mellow.  It was nice.  I was a bit emotionally drained (and probably a bit pathetically tired from my walk.)  Mattie was pretty mellow as well.  So I end the day not near as sad as I started.  But, as I often do, I still end the day thinking of Julia.

Happy 7 months, my sweet baby girl.  I still really really miss you and I always will.   A year ago I was scared for you to be born.  Now, I just miss holding you and gazing into those deep eyes of yours.  I love you... forever.

But wait, I have TWO redheads!

Mattie's hair is an almost daily topic of conversation almost *anywhere* I go.  Someone will comment on what a beautiful color it is (it is truly amazing) and usually immediately ask where the "red" came from.  If I had a dollar for every time I talked about Mattie's hair to a stranger, I'd be rich.  Seriously, I would.  What is even more amazing, however, is that God gave us TWO redheads!  What are the odds of 2 brunettes having 2 redheaded children?  After Julia died and people ask about Mattie's hair, I want so badly to tell them that I actually got 2 redheads!  That if they think that Mattie's hair is amazing, they should have seen my other daughter.  This happened today at the pool which is why I decided to write about it.  But it has happened many times.  I just wish people could have seen my other beautiful daughter with red hair.  I'd like to tell them about her, but it is not a comfortable topic for most people, the death of a child, so I don't.  I just smile and say, "Oh yes, it's amazing we got a redhead," and then think to myself, "You have no idea how lucky we were to get two... but our other one died."

A visit to my OBGyn clinic

 

I had to go to my OBGyn clinic today to get my TB test so that I can volunteer at Mattie’s school next year.  I had not been there since I was transferred to Stanford at 32 weeks pregnant.  It was more difficult than I expected.  First of all, there were pregnant women everywhere.  It is wrong to assume that they are all glowing and happy in their pregnancy, but that is the way it feels from my perspective.  Pregnancy is supposed to be an exciting and joyous thing (well, maybe not the pains that come with being pregnant, but the expectation of the sweet bundle at the end- the dreams of the future.)  Then there was the rush of feelings that brought me back in a flash to the past.  It was like I was experiencing the 3 years of disappointing infertility, the devastation of finding out that my 18 week fetus was dead, the test results that my next baby had a 1 and 3 chance of having Down syndrome, and the confirmation of that information… all at once.  It was the sights, the smells, everything. There is one particular examination room where I found out about both my 2^nd trimester miscarriage as well as the test results for Down syndrome.  Fortunately, I was not put in that one.  But I can sure visualize it!  I don’t know if I’m going to be able to continue to go to that clinic.  I really like my doctor, but I’m just not sure I want to deal with all that emotion and past every time I walk in… especially if I never have any more children to create a positive association with the place.  I was on the edge of tears the whole time I was there.  My doctor came in to chat with me and check in, which was really nice of him.  He didn’t need to see me, but he saw I was there and made a point to come in.  I told him that it was hard for me to be there and that I missed Julia.  He was very compassionate and understanding.   I left the clinic okay, but still a bit sad.  …Sigh… on goes the grieving process.

4 months since Julia's death

Yesterday was the 4-month mark of Julia's death.  It was a busy day so I didn't feel the impact too significantly.  I guess that's good.  Mattie had school.  Bob and I had counseling. After school, Mattie and I came home for a bit for lunch and for some down time.  Then we met Christa, Josh, and Matthew at the swimming pool.  After the swim pool, we went over to Karie's to see Claire and baby Collette.  Karen Parker was there visiting with her almost 4-month old Nathan.  Sometimes I get sad around babies. (Poor Karie, I cried the first time I met Collette.) But I wasn't sad yesterday.  So that was nice.  Who knows where I'll be in a day, week, or month, but at least I was fine yesterday.  I'll take it.

Mattie talks about feeling jealous.

As part of our nightly ritual, Mattie and I pick 4 to 5 Bible verses out of her "treasure box" (on 3X5 cards) and recite them.  With minimal prompts, Mattie now knows probably 15 verses.  It is quite amazing.  Tonight, we were going over John 11:25 (I use a contemporary version of the Bible that is easy for Mattie to understand.)  It says, "Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life.  The one who believes in me will have life even if they die.'"  While going over that verse, Mattie covered up the last part of the verse with her hand and would not say the "even if they die" part.  So I inquired about it.  I asked her if she didn't like the part that said, "even if they die."  I asked her if it made her think of Julia and if it made her sad.  Generally, it is very difficult to talk to Mattie about feelings.  I don't know how much of it is a 4 1/2 year old developmental thing and how much of it is just Mattie.  I have to really dig to get her to say much.  She kind of said it made her sad.  But she was very clear about one thing.  She had a bit of anger in her voice and she said that sometimes she feels jealous of other kids who have baby sisters and brother because she wants a baby sister and she wants one right now!  She repeated the part of being jealous several times in our conversation.  I told her that I was sorry that she didn't have a brother or sister and that I really really wanted her to have one (she has no idea how badly I wanted her to have one.)  I asked her if she thought that Mommy and Daddy wanted to give her a brother or sister.  She nodded.  I was glad that she knows deep inside that it was our desire to have another baby.  I wasn't exactly sure what to say.  The bottom line is that it is very complicated.  I did tell her that I really hoped she would share with me next time she was feeling that way and that I wanted to hear about her feelings.  I told her that God wants to hear about her feelings, too and that she could talk to Him about anything she was feeling and that He would understand.  I told her I that totally understood how she felt and that sometimes I feel jealous of other mommies that lots of kids.  Before long, Mattie was on to the next topic.  Mattie hasn't seen the child psychologist since before Julia died.  It has been on my to-do list for weeks.  I need to call and just take Mattie to check in.  Mattie seems to be processing Julia's death amazingly well.  We talk about Julia and we certainly haven't tried to sweep things under the carpet.  But I am not a child psychologist and I don't want to miss something or not help Mattie process and grieve in the healthiest way possible.  If anything, I want Mattie to learn how to talk about feelings openly.  I think I will make a call tomorrow.  In the meantime, I have to throw my hands up and look up at the sky and ask God to take care of Mattie and our family.  There certainly is a lot of life I just don't get.  I'll continue to put one step in front of the other and trust that God is beside me and beside Mattie, too. 

Dancing...

Today, Mattie had her little dance recital.  Her class of 4-year-olds did a tap dancing number.  (Each class did one dance.) It was one of the most adorable and hilarious things I've ever seen.  (I can't help myself... here's a photo:)

During Mattie's dance, I was only thinking about trying to keep the camera still through the whole dance as tears streamed down my cheeks from laughing so much.  However, as I was watching some of the other dances, my mind drifted to thinking of Julia.  I wondered if Julia would have been able to take a dance class and perform in a recital.  I imagined what it would be like to have my little girl with Down syndrome up on that stage.  I also pondered what other people would think about her on the stage.  For some, it might have been uncomfortable.  But I imagined her stealing the show with a huge smile and trying so hard to do her best.  And then this afternoon, coincidentally, I got an email from the Silicon Valley Down Syndrome Network from a woman who posted about her son, age 5 with Down syndrome, who just completed his first dance recital today.  She was so proud of him because he overcame his nervousness and fear and danced his dance remembering all his steps without even needing to look at the teacher.  Then at the end, he took a huge bow and smiled a huge smile.  What an amazing moment for her son, for her, for her family, and for every single person in that room who watched her son overcome the odds and show the world what he could do!  I look forward to the day when I get to see Julia dance when I join her in Heaven.  We'll dance together and it will be amazing!