It's hard to believe she would have been 8 months old today. I wonder what she would be like. I wonder what milestones she would have reached.
I saw a young man with Down syndrome today at a mall. It brought up a whole mixture of feelings. I live with both grief and relief concerning the death of Julia and it makes me feel very conflicted. I feel guilt because of this. My therapist tells me this is very normal but I don't like it one bit. I miss my baby. But the life she had and potentially the life she would have had was a difficult one. I would not want that for her or our family. It's messy and that's all there is to it. And it is sad. It's just very sad. But only sad for us left here on Earth. Julia is in Heaven. She is healed and she is happy. So I hold on to that. And I remain sad and confused and conflicted and relieved and sad again. That's the way it is and that is the way it will be. The 18th will come and the 18th will go and I will remember her. One day I will forget how old she would have been. One day the 18th will come and go and I will not remember until the 19th or the 20th. I will feel weird and I will feel guilty about it. But that's okay. That's just the way it goes. It would not have been this way in Eden. There wouldn't have been dates to remember and grieve. One day... one day not soon enough, we'll all be together reunited in Heaven. That will be an amazing day. Until that great day, it is my job to try to live life to the fullest, to love others to the fullest, to appreciate what God had given me here on Earth, and to know and love God more and more. Not easy tasks.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
My Julia ring...
It's been a few weeks in the making, but I got my Julia ring today from a friend whose family has a jewelry business. I am so excited to have it. I photographed it with my "Mattie ring." I plan to wear the rings as a set on my right ring finger. I had thought about the design of this ring shortly after Julia passed away. I am thankful to Matt who helped make it a reality. I have never been a big jewelry person, but since I had my "Mattie ring", I really wanted a ring for Julia that I could wear every day, maybe for the rest of my life, to remind me of her. I wanted something tangible I could touch when I could not touch her. To understand my desire for such a ring, it helps to know the story of both rings.
The significance of the rings:
The Mattie ring (thin ring with the blue sapphire):
Originally, this is the ring that Bob used to propose to me. It held the diamond that is in my wedding ring. This ring belonged to his mother, Sally. It was the ring Bob's dad used to propose to his mother and the ring she wore for close to 20 years before his dad passed away from cancer in 1985. Sally eventually remarried and so when Bob was going to propose, she offered the ring to Bob to give to me. I loved the ring and its history and significance and was honored to wear it. But as you can see, it is pretty dainty and I was worried about that. So Bob and I decided to take the diamond out of the ring and design our own ring for me to wear as my wedding ring. (Matt also made my wedding ring!) Then 6 months after we were married, we decided to put a stone in the original ring so it could be worn. No use having it just sit in a box somewhere. The question that remained was, what stone? My birthstone is a diamond. I already had one of those on my left hand so I certainly didn't want two. We went to a jewelry store and looked at several. I finally decided on this Carolina Sapphire. It is slightly lighter than a true sapphire. I picked it because I thought that blue, especially this lighter blue, was the most versatile color. That's it. The stone chosen was not particularly significant... until our daughter Mattie was born. She was supposed to be born in October but was born 3 weeks early in September. And amazingly, the sapphire is the September birthstone! It was at that point, I began wearing that ring most every day. I would say that I wore "Bob" on my left and and "Mattie" on my right.
The Julia ring:
Thicker band of gold with 3 small topaz stones embedded in it.
Even before Julia was born, I had contemplated a ring for her. I had my Mattie ring. So shouldn't I have a ring for Julia? Of course, jewelry is expensive, so it was only something I jokingly brought up to Bob from time to time. However, once she passed away, I decided this was something I really wanted to have and Bob was in agreement and very supportive of making it happen. Julia was born in November. November's birthstone is certainly not my favorite, topaz. So I didn't want a big topaz stone to wear. And I had my Mattie ring. I wanted to be able to wear the rings at the same time. However, I didn't think I wanted another ring on another finger. That would be too many rings. I'm not generally a glitzy person. Since my Mattie ring is a solitaire engagement ring, I thought it only made sense to make a type of wedding band so that the two could be worn as a set. Then I thought about putting a topaz stone embedded in the ring so it would be subtle. However, just one small stone seemed a bit too subtle. I'm not sure what thought came first, but I realized that if I put 3 stones in the ring, it could be symbolic of Julia's Down syndrome, trisomy 21... 2 stones and then 1 for 21. And 3 stones just seemed the right balance. I told my mom about my idea of the ring. She was able to take the significance of the 3 stones to an even deeper level. She pointed out that both my miscarriages were in November and so therefore, each topaz stone represents each baby I have in Heaven waiting for me. Wow, perfect. Three stones it is. It is eerie, but my 1st trimester miscarriage (before Mattie), my 2nd trimester miscarriage (after Mattie), and Julia's birthday are all within about 10 days of each other. This is not only my Julia ring, but the ring for my 2 other babies whom I have yet to meet.
The significance of the rings:
The Mattie ring (thin ring with the blue sapphire):
Originally, this is the ring that Bob used to propose to me. It held the diamond that is in my wedding ring. This ring belonged to his mother, Sally. It was the ring Bob's dad used to propose to his mother and the ring she wore for close to 20 years before his dad passed away from cancer in 1985. Sally eventually remarried and so when Bob was going to propose, she offered the ring to Bob to give to me. I loved the ring and its history and significance and was honored to wear it. But as you can see, it is pretty dainty and I was worried about that. So Bob and I decided to take the diamond out of the ring and design our own ring for me to wear as my wedding ring. (Matt also made my wedding ring!) Then 6 months after we were married, we decided to put a stone in the original ring so it could be worn. No use having it just sit in a box somewhere. The question that remained was, what stone? My birthstone is a diamond. I already had one of those on my left hand so I certainly didn't want two. We went to a jewelry store and looked at several. I finally decided on this Carolina Sapphire. It is slightly lighter than a true sapphire. I picked it because I thought that blue, especially this lighter blue, was the most versatile color. That's it. The stone chosen was not particularly significant... until our daughter Mattie was born. She was supposed to be born in October but was born 3 weeks early in September. And amazingly, the sapphire is the September birthstone! It was at that point, I began wearing that ring most every day. I would say that I wore "Bob" on my left and and "Mattie" on my right.
The Julia ring:
Thicker band of gold with 3 small topaz stones embedded in it.
Even before Julia was born, I had contemplated a ring for her. I had my Mattie ring. So shouldn't I have a ring for Julia? Of course, jewelry is expensive, so it was only something I jokingly brought up to Bob from time to time. However, once she passed away, I decided this was something I really wanted to have and Bob was in agreement and very supportive of making it happen. Julia was born in November. November's birthstone is certainly not my favorite, topaz. So I didn't want a big topaz stone to wear. And I had my Mattie ring. I wanted to be able to wear the rings at the same time. However, I didn't think I wanted another ring on another finger. That would be too many rings. I'm not generally a glitzy person. Since my Mattie ring is a solitaire engagement ring, I thought it only made sense to make a type of wedding band so that the two could be worn as a set. Then I thought about putting a topaz stone embedded in the ring so it would be subtle. However, just one small stone seemed a bit too subtle. I'm not sure what thought came first, but I realized that if I put 3 stones in the ring, it could be symbolic of Julia's Down syndrome, trisomy 21... 2 stones and then 1 for 21. And 3 stones just seemed the right balance. I told my mom about my idea of the ring. She was able to take the significance of the 3 stones to an even deeper level. She pointed out that both my miscarriages were in November and so therefore, each topaz stone represents each baby I have in Heaven waiting for me. Wow, perfect. Three stones it is. It is eerie, but my 1st trimester miscarriage (before Mattie), my 2nd trimester miscarriage (after Mattie), and Julia's birthday are all within about 10 days of each other. This is not only my Julia ring, but the ring for my 2 other babies whom I have yet to meet.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Mattie draws a picture of our family
We were at a Cracker Barrel in Florida having lunch and on the kids' menu, there was a space to draw a picture of your family. Mattie drew a picture that included Mommy, Daddy, Mattie, and Julia. I wish I took a photo of it to post on the blog. It was very cute. Instead of stick figure of Julia, she made an oval with a head on top as if Julia was wrapped in a blanket.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)