Mattie started Kindergarten today...

Today was Mattie's first day of Kindergarten.  Overall, I was very excited.  But there was this darkish cloud that hung over the day.  My Facebook status sums it up: Today is Mattie's first day of kindergarten. I am celebrating because it's my first child to go to kindergarten. I am grieving because it's my last child to go to kindergarten.  

After all the parents dropped off their kids, the principal did a welcome-hoorah speech for all the parents in the cafeteria.  She welcomed all new and returning families.  Then she said something like, "For all you kindergarten parents, dropping your child off at kindergarten is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do.... blah, blah, blah..." Then she went on to talk about how they're in such good hands, yada, yada, yada.  She meant well.  However, Bob and I turned to each other at that point and rolled our eyes.  Really?!?  If dropping your kid off at kindergarten is one of the hardest things you've ever had to do as a parent, then you damn well better be thanking God for your good fortune!  I thought to myself, yah, whatever.   Then there's dealing with the questions from other well-meaning parents... "Is Mattie your first?", "Do you have any other children?"  And so it goes.  I just smile and say, "Yep, she's our only one."  It sucks.  

But... as there always is with our Julia story... there is this other side to things.  I also thought to myself today, "What if I had Julia with me today?"  My day would have looked very different.  I wondered what kinds of stuff I would have been dealing with if Julia were alive.  After I dropped Mattie off, my time was free and my own.  It was nice.

I am always living in this tension.  

However, I still grieve that I only have one child.  I never wanted only one.  I grieve that our path was so difficult and that so many other people seem to be able to pop out healthy typical children with no problems.  And I grieve Julia.  I grieve that Mattie misses her and wishes we would have another baby.  I just don't know if we ever will have it in us to try again or even if we ever should.  

Sweet Julia would have been 9 months old today.

We are celebrating Julia's birthday up at Lake Tahoe today.  We arrived yesterday and will drive home tomorrow.  We are renting a condo from some close friends. There aren't many places that make Bob and I happier than being here in the forest and mountains.  Mattie really enjoys it, too.  It's been a nice day, overall.   We are looking to maybe buy a cabin up here so we spent the morning looking at some places for sale.  (We started looking at that possibility after Julia died.  It's been a dream we've had since we got married but we never really expected to make it a reality.  However, we decided after Julia died that it would be a good time to look into pursuing some dreams together.  So we're seeing what happens.) We grabbed a huge sandwich to share at the Tahoma market and had a picnic on Chambers beach were Mattie really enjoyed tossing rocks into a shallow pool next to the lake.  We then drove back to the condo, changed into swimsuits, gathered up beach supplies and drove back down to the lake for the afternoon.  It's been warm today with scattered clouds and a few sprinkles here and there.  We grabbed dinner out before returning to the condo for the night. 

Coming here was on my bucket list of places I wanted to take Julia before she died.  That was when we thought we had 6 months to a year, not a mere 3 more weeks.  I wanted Julia to feel what snow felt like.  I'm sure that God had given her more amazing experiences in Heaven than touching snow, but I am not experiencing it with her.  I am separated from her.   Mattie came in our bedroom this morning to snuggle.  I told Mattie it was Julia's 9 month birthday today.  Mattie's still trying to figure out the abstract time perspective.  She asked me, "Is Julia 9 years old today?" "No, Mattie" I said, "Julia would have been 9 months old."  "Is that still zero?" she asked me.  "Yes, that's still zero."  I said.  Then she asked me, "Did Julia come here?" So I asked to remember if she ever remembered coming to Tahoe with Julia.  She didn't think so and I confirmed that for her. We both agreed, however, that she would have liked it a lot.  Tonight, when I was tucking Mattie in bed, I asked her what she liked best about Julia.  She responded that she liked looking at her.  We then agreed that I had the 2 cutest girls ever to live. 

I wore my Julia ring today, as I will every day, next to my Mattie ring.  It makes me happy to have it.  I also wore the necklace Maggie gave me with the photo of Mattie's and Julia's hands on it.  It is so nice to have these physical things to touch and have with me at all times.  It is something I can touch since I can't touch her.  I have been having some moments of sadness lately when reflecting about Julia.  The night before we went to see her bench a week ago I was just inundated with images and memories of Julia in the hospital.   I was struck with such grief thinking about her suffering.  I was also attacked with feelings of sadness and regret thinking that I had not spent enough time with her when she was in the hospital.  The thought of her alone in that big hospital room in that big bed hooked up to all those wires without her mommy was almost more than I could bear.  I know that these are not thoughts from God (the ones of failure and discouragement) and that I did the best I could at the time.  I also know that Julia was cared for very very well at Lucile Packard.  But even as I write this, it just makes me so sad thinking of her laying there without me next to her.  It makes tears come to my eyes.  I guess I just never thought our time together would be so short.  I prioritized Mattie so that her life would remain as stable and normal as possible as Bob and I were dealing with crisis.  I still think I made the right decision prioritizing Mattie.  It was just a horrible situation.  No one should have to be torn between her kids. I just had to trust God then and I have to continue to trust Him now that He was holding her every moment I wasn't and He is still holding her now even when I can't. 

Happy 9 months, my sweet orange-headed Julia.  You are still thought of and still loved greatly.

The Julia bench!

Some of you reading this have been a part of the Julia bench project for the past 6 months.  For some of you, this will be new news.  So let me tell you the story about this wonderful and amazing gift that has been many months in the making and given to us in honor of our sweet Julia Alexandra Brown.

The backstory:
Mt. Hermon is a beautiful Christian conference ground that is nestled in the Santa Cruz mountains.  It consists of 3 different "camps" and is a total 440 acres.  It is huge.  Both Bob and I have been on various retreats there over the years as both singles and as a married couple.  The Ponderosa camp is where I took my 6th graders for science camp every year.  Surrounded by acres of redwood forest, it has been a place of peace, refuge, and a place to connect with God for both Bob and me.  In the Julia story, it has been a place of escape and retreat for us.  We were able to stay there for a weekend not long after getting the Down syndrome diagnosis when I was pregnant with Julia.  We were in the pit of despair at that point and just need to get away.  For both Bob and me, the forest is as close to Heaven as we can get on earth.  We spent a lot of time walking the trails and sitting by a stream just being quiet.  It was such a hard time in our lives but so therapeutic to be in the forest.  Then, just days after Julia died, we were given the opportunity to go spend a weekend at Mt. Hermon again in a cabin.  It was such a gift!  Again, we were able run away to the mountains and the forest to have the space to process... or just start the process.  We had an amazing view of nothing but trees outside our window.  It was glorious.  Here is a photo of it I took that weekend:

It was so wonderful to have a place to be alone.  A place with no expectations.  That weekend was wonderful but a bit out of the twilight zone.  I just remember walking around the conference grounds and Santa Cruz that weekend with everyone living their "normal" seemingly happy lives and feeling like I was walking in total slow motion.  I was living a nightmare and no one around me knew it.  I was just so thankful to get back to our cabin and be able to just stare out those magnificent windows a those majestic trees.

After Julia died, Bob and I had so many decisions to make that we never thought we'd ever have to make... what do we do with Julia's body?  Bury? Cremate? Do we get a plot? or a niche in a columbarium?  We just didn't feel like we wanted Julia to be stuck in some random cemetery here in the Bay Area.  Though we don't see ourselves moving anytime soon, we don't know what the future will hold for us.  And we also didn't feel like a cemetery was the type of place we'd like to go and sit to remember Julia.  After our time at Mt. Hermon after Julia died, we talked about looking into what it would take to get a bench made at Mt. Hermon somewhere on the conference grounds.  That seemed to fit much better as a place to go to remember Julia.  A place that is peaceful and is as beautiful as she was.  But we didn't know if one could even do that kind of thing.  Several days after returning from that weekend, I mentioned my thoughts to my dear friend, Christa.  Her dad works for Mt. Hermon and I thought maybe she could find out from him if it was possible or what it would take to have a bench made.  She said she'd look into it.

The bench in the making... only we didn't know about it!
Well, not only did Christa look into it, but she talked to her dad and she started a secret mulit-month project that involved her dad getting permission at Mt. Hermon as well as reaching out to many friends to collect money for a Julia bench.  I had no idea she was working on this project.  After Julia died, we were thrown back into the craziness of "life" and we put the Julia bench project aside figuring we'd get around to it later.   So almost 6 months after Julia passed away, enough money had been collected and all the various permissions were granted at Mt. Hermon as well as someone was found to build the bench.  It was quite an undertaking!  In fact, her dad was able to get it approved for the bench to be put on the trail that is directly under the cabin that we stayed at after Julia died.  Incredible!  So it was at that time that Christa was *finally* able to tell me this secret she'd been keeping for 6 *long* months!  She was about to burst! I was blown away!  I could not believe it.  It was exactly what we had hoped for.  I could not believe how blessed we were to have this gift that involved so many people.  But I really have Christa and her parents to thank.  They are the ones who really made it happen!

Seeing the bench (3 days before the 6-month mark of Julia's death):
The bench was completed and we needed a chance to go see it.  My mom was in town and so we thought it would be nice to go see it while she was here.  So today we drove over the hill to Santa Cruz for the morning and then after lunch drove up to Mt. Hermon to see the bench.  We were able to find it right away.  It is beautifully made out of thick sturdy wood that will last a long long time.  In the next few weeks a plaque will be put on it with Julia's name, her birth and death date, and the reference to Jeremiah 1:5.  It was so special.  When we first walked down to see it, a couple was sitting on it.  That made me happy, too, to think about countless people who will stop and read the plaque, sit and rest, and take in the beauty before them.  They didn't know Julia, but they will think about her for just that moment when they read the plaque.  By seeing that, they will know she was loved and that she was a very special little girl.  She will not be forgotten.  That makes me very happy and thankful.  I look forward to spending some time alone on the bench at least once a year to reflect on my sweet little girl.  I am so happy that the bench is where I can go, surrounded by the trees and by God.

Here are some pictures:

Isn't it beautiful?!

This is the view from the bench.

Thank you to all who helped make the Julia bench a reality.  Many have contributed money to this gift of love for our family.  But again, I especially thank Christa and her parents, Don and Linda Brosemle for pursuing this and loving us so much through it.