1 year since her memorial service and her 15 month birthday

Today was the 1-year mark since Julia's memorial service.  It also would have been her 15 month birthday.  I felt a little more sullen today than usual.  There were a few factors contributing to this, I'm sure.  First, I didn't sleep that well last night.  That's never a good start to the day.  Then, Mattie discovered a bag of her old baby bottles in the garage and she decided to play "baby" this morning.  Did I mention that she's on break this week from school and so she's home all day after she and I were alone all weekend with Bob out of town?  Oh, yah, I forgot to mention that.  Part of playing baby is that she also dragged out my old nursing pillow and wanted me to pretend to feed her milk from the bottle on the nursing pillow.  While playing along with this my mind wandered.  I thought of nursing Mattie and how much I loved that time.  Then I thought about the fact that I never was really able to nurse Julia and how she was mostly fed through a tub her whole life.  We didn't know most of her life that she was actually fighting for her life and didn't have the strength to eat on her own.  Then I just got sad about wishing I had a real baby to hold.  (I'm sure at this point, any new mother reading this would happily say, "Here, take my baby while I go take a nap.")  Yes, I even thought about that... about how new babies meant no sleep and lots of work.  But that thought did not really help me feel any better.  And then the weather today was kind of gray, in general.  Of course, being from Seattle, that should not phase me.  But I fully admit I am now a California whimp and it does affect me.  But all those factors are just small contributors to the main issue: I had a baby and she died.  And today was commemorating her memorial instead of celebrating her 15 month birthday.

I've been reading the Little House on the Prairie series with Mattie and tonight, of all nights, we finished reading the last chapter in the last book of the series, "The First Four Years."  Tonight I read about how Laura's 2nd child, a son, died suddenly and unexpectedly.  Laura's first child was a daughter named Rose.  She was the apple of Laura's eye and full of spunk and life.  Much like Mattie.  Then when Laura's son was just a month or so old, he died.  She never had any more children.  I found myself feeling so sad for Laura.  It's silly, but I also found myself just a bit comforted by the fact that Laura shared a similar story to mine.  I also wondered what reading those words would do for Mattie's heart.  I asked Mattie if it was sad reading about Laura's baby who died.  Her response was, "Well, she still has Rose!"  Hmmm.  Yes, Mattie connected the dots allright.  That is what she says to me when I get sad about Julia: "You still have me, Mama."  And I am always quick to tell her how blessed and lucky I am to have her as a daughter.

In remembering the memorial service, I have many fond thoughts from that day.  I was so touched and overwhelmed by the support of my family and friends.  So many even flew down to come to the memorial.  We estimated that there were maybe 250 people at Julia's memorial.  A huge goal of the service for Bob and me was to give people a picture of Julia and to get to know her.  For many who never got to meet her, it was the only time they were both introduced to her and yet saying goodbye to her at the same time.  I wanted to show how meaningful and special Julia's life was even though she lived less than 3 months, that her life was truly worthwhile and valuable.   I really felt God's presence during that day and during the service.  The service was everything I wanted it to be.  My friend Melissa headed up a crew of friends to put together dahlia bulbs to pass out after the service.  That has been such a blessing because all throughout last summer, people would send me pictures of their beautifully blooming dahlia or tell me about their dahlia and it was so nice to see life come from death.  It was so wonderful that Julia's life was being remembered in these flowers.

There.  Thinking about the memorial actually has lifted my dark cloud and made me remember so many wonderful and positive things.  I have such fond memories of some very very special and significant time spent with some of my closest friends and family the days surrounding Julia's memorial.   God continues to show His love and faithfulness to us through our family and friends.  What a blessing they are.

Speaking of wonderful friends, here is a photo taken a few days ago of our mantle.  I put up Julia's photo on the mantle along with her doll and lamb in remembrance of her.  Along with them are all the cards people have sent us over the past couple of weeks surrounding Julia's Homecoming date.

Remembering Julia... 1 year since her "Homecoming"

I spent a lot of time anticipating the 1-year date of Julia's death.  I think my biggest fear was that it would come and go and that it would not be special or meaningful.  Life has a way of swallowing up your time and if you are not purposeful, you can live a life that is, well, without purpose.  There is nothing like the tyranny of the urgent.  Mattie is currently at a birthday party and a friend of mine was willing to take her with her her daughter.  (I am so grateful!)  I was really desiring some time to blog about the last couple of days and here is my chance!

I have to say that it has been a very nice, peaceful, and meaningful couple of days.  I am so thankful to God and for everyone's prayers for our family.  We have felt each one.

Friday, February 8th.
It was a regular morning of getting Mattie ready and off to school.  Then around 10am, Bob and I drove over to Mt. Hermon to spend some time at Julia's bench by ourselves.  It was really nice to have some time by ourselves in peace and quiet.  It had been a bit rainy so we brought some towels to place on the bench.  Thankfully, however, it was not rainy at all when we there.  We probably sat on the bench for 45 minutes or so and just stared at the beautiful scenery and listened to the dancing water in the stream below.  Bob had mentioned on the way over that when he gets into open spaces and especially forested areas, his stress level drops considerably.  I agree.  We both feel like the bench is a perfect place for us to find peace and reflect about Julia.  And it was so nice to be there alone together.  After a while, we got in the car and started back home.  We ended up grabbing some lunch on the way.  Again, it was nice to be out and alone together.  I am so grateful that Bob and I have seemed to beat the odds in that our marriage is thriving despite the trials we have encountered.  At least 50% of marriages don't make it beyond the death of a child.  We are still going to a counselor regularly which I think has been an excellent investment.  We also both have a very deep commitment to each other and love each other very much.  We also love our daughter, Mattie.  Neither of us are content staying at the status quo but we continue to strive to move forward and make what we have even better.  Marriage is a marathon- it has ups and downs but you got to keep putting one foot in front of the other, you can't give up.  Anyway, I digressed.  Mattie and I had a very nice mellow afternoon together.  We played Lincoln Logs, read books together, and Mattie even played a bit on her own while I read mail and emails.  Our friend, Wanda Belton, who is like a grandmother to Mattie, came over with some flowers. One year ago, Steve and Wanda had already been scheduled to bring dinner the evening Julia died.  Wanda had just felt like she should make a little extra not knowing that Julia was about to pass away.  We ended up having 8 people here including Wanda and Steve and it perfectly fed everyone.  It was so nice to catch up with Wanda a bit.  She was about to leave when I realized it was 4:45... the time when Julia died.  I was glad to share that moment with Wanda and it was nice that I was not alone.  After Wanda left, Mattie and I ran to the library to get some books for her and Bob picked up some take out on the way home from work.  It was nice to not have to worry about cooking anything.  At dinner that night, we spent a little time talking about Julia but not a lot.  Mattie will "go there" a little, but quickly changes the topic.  We don't want to push things.  We explained to her that 1 year ago was when Julia died.  We asked if she remembered that day.  It is unclear how much she remembers.  I had put out the big photo of Julia and some of her things around the living room for the weekend just to help keep memories alive.

Here is Bob and me at the bench:

Saturday, Feb 9th.

We had a very mellow morning puttering around the house and getting some much needed chores done.  Then after lunch, we took off to visit the bench as a family.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  My request was to go into Santa Cruz and get some Marianne's ice cream before going to the bench which we did.  Yum. :)  Mattie was very excited to visit the bench.  She really likes going to Mt. Hermon and running on all the trails.  Again, I was feeling so grateful that the special place we have to go to remember Julia is in the woods and a place all 3 of us enjoy going.  The bench has been gathering some grime so we brought some cleaner and some rags to work on polishing it up and wiping it down.  Also, I had wanted to leave a flower at the bench.  So I took one of the roses that Wanda had brought us the day before and put a pink ribbon around it.  It was just perfect.

When we visit the bench, often Mattie flitters around on the trails while Bob and I sit on the bench.  Mattie did spend some time sitting with us this time.  While we were all sitting together, I posed the question, "So what do you remember most about Julia?"  I decided that I should probably go first since I posed the question.  So I said that I remember her soft red hair.  I asked Mattie if she remembered how soft Julia's hair was and she said she did.  I asked Mattie what she remembered about Julia.  She said she remembered Julia's pouty face.  We all laughed because Julia did have a terrific pouty face.  It was the calm before the storm of her very loud and piercing cry.
Exhibit A:

We talked a little more about things we remembered about Julia.  Then I mentioned that I didn't really know a lot about Heaven, but that I'd like to think that people in Heaven can look down on the people they love here on Earth and see what they're up to and that I'd hope that Julia could be looking down on us sitting at her bench.  I said that I thought it would make Julia happy knowing we were together thinking about her.  I asked Mattie if she thought that maybe Julia could see us from Heaven.  She said "yah" and then promptly changed the subject.  That was my que that that was enough talking of Julia stuff and that it was becoming uncomfortable for her.  At that point I suggested that we bring out some of the snacks that Mattie had packed for our little trip.  Before leaving for Santa Cruz, Mattie had decided that she wanted to pack snacks.  So she got into the cupboard where we keep a bin of snack type items and chose a variety of snacks and packed them into small ziplocks all by herself.  Some of these snacks included Swedish Fish, dried seaweed, pistachios, and juice boxes.   After enjoying a sampling of snacks, I went to set up the camera on a stump to make sure we got a family shot before leaving.  Meanwhile, Mattie decided to make a list of all the things in the forest while I was working on this.  Bob helped her spell the words.  I have no idea where the paper and pen came from.  She must have packed them in the backpack with the snacks.  Here's a few photos:

After this we packed it up.  I left the flower sitting on the bench and hoped that people would figure out why it was left there.  If not, that would be okay, too.  I just hoped it could stay on the bench a while as a beautiful reminder of the little delicate life that it was representing.

Bob had made an early reservation at this local German restaurant, the Tyrolian Inn, in Ben Lomand.  He had been wanting to go there.  So we drove there for some dinner.  It's a small family owned and operated restaurant and hardly anyone was there when we arrived at 5:00pm.  They actually had a play area in another part of the restaurant that Mattie was free to go to and from during the meal.  So at times it was almost like having a babysitter because Bob and I had chunks of time that we could sit by ourselves in peace and quiet and eat our meal.  It was awesome.  We got a sampling of German foods and stuffed ourselves.  Mattie liked most things she tried, including the rabbit.  (Yep, I did say rabbit.) Then it was time to drive home.  We got back and put Mattie to bed and then we crashed ourselves.  It really was a nice day.