I took Mattie in to see her doctor this evening. She's been complaining about her tummy "feeling funny" for a couple of weeks now. No other symptoms, just her tummy feeling "funny." I was trying not to think anything of it, but after 2 weeks, I decided for my own peace of mind to have her see the pediatrician. Well, nothing important to report. Everything with Mattie is probably fine. The appointment itself is not why I am writing a blog post. It is because of what happened on our way out of the medical center in the bathroom.
On our way out, Mattie said she had to use the bathroom so we found one near the front door. As soon as we stepped inside the one-person bathroom and locked the door, I was immediately struck with a flashback to Lucile Packard Children's Hospital. It smelled JUST like Lucile Packard where Julia was born and spent 8 of her 11 weeks of life. Well, mostly it smelled like the rooms where Julia stayed. It was uncanny. Meanwhile, I am helping Mattie and keeping my thoughts to myself. After Mattie uses the toilet and as she is washing her hands at the sink she casually mentions, "Mom, this bathroom smells just like Stanford." I was kind of blown away. She REMEMBERS! It almost made me cry. I responded that I was thinking the exact same thing! I wanted Mattie to be validated in her observation and I wanted to make it a connection point between us. We both shared this memory together. We agreed that one of the contributing factors was the smell of the soap that was in the dispenser. We had a chuckle about it together. But somehow, it was even more than just the soap.
I just couldn't believe Mattie made that connection. I am sure that Mattie remembers much much more of Julia and her life than I am even aware of. She hardly every brings up Julia or talks about her. I almost feel like it is intensional on her part. But I don't know. But for her to say that meant a lot to me. It means that she does remember. It is sad that one of the parts she remembers about her sister is the smell of the hospital where Julia spent most of her life. But she remembers nonetheless.
It was also tough on me to be transported back to that time. It is also sad that the smell of Lucile Packard is permanently etched in my brain due to my daughter having to spend most of her life there.
