Sweet Julia would have been 9 months old today.

We are celebrating Julia's birthday up at Lake Tahoe today.  We arrived yesterday and will drive home tomorrow.  We are renting a condo from some close friends. There aren't many places that make Bob and I happier than being here in the forest and mountains.  Mattie really enjoys it, too.  It's been a nice day, overall.   We are looking to maybe buy a cabin up here so we spent the morning looking at some places for sale.  (We started looking at that possibility after Julia died.  It's been a dream we've had since we got married but we never really expected to make it a reality.  However, we decided after Julia died that it would be a good time to look into pursuing some dreams together.  So we're seeing what happens.) We grabbed a huge sandwich to share at the Tahoma market and had a picnic on Chambers beach were Mattie really enjoyed tossing rocks into a shallow pool next to the lake.  We then drove back to the condo, changed into swimsuits, gathered up beach supplies and drove back down to the lake for the afternoon.  It's been warm today with scattered clouds and a few sprinkles here and there.  We grabbed dinner out before returning to the condo for the night. 

Coming here was on my bucket list of places I wanted to take Julia before she died.  That was when we thought we had 6 months to a year, not a mere 3 more weeks.  I wanted Julia to feel what snow felt like.  I'm sure that God had given her more amazing experiences in Heaven than touching snow, but I am not experiencing it with her.  I am separated from her.   Mattie came in our bedroom this morning to snuggle.  I told Mattie it was Julia's 9 month birthday today.  Mattie's still trying to figure out the abstract time perspective.  She asked me, "Is Julia 9 years old today?" "No, Mattie" I said, "Julia would have been 9 months old."  "Is that still zero?" she asked me.  "Yes, that's still zero."  I said.  Then she asked me, "Did Julia come here?" So I asked to remember if she ever remembered coming to Tahoe with Julia.  She didn't think so and I confirmed that for her. We both agreed, however, that she would have liked it a lot.  Tonight, when I was tucking Mattie in bed, I asked her what she liked best about Julia.  She responded that she liked looking at her.  We then agreed that I had the 2 cutest girls ever to live. 

I wore my Julia ring today, as I will every day, next to my Mattie ring.  It makes me happy to have it.  I also wore the necklace Maggie gave me with the photo of Mattie's and Julia's hands on it.  It is so nice to have these physical things to touch and have with me at all times.  It is something I can touch since I can't touch her.  I have been having some moments of sadness lately when reflecting about Julia.  The night before we went to see her bench a week ago I was just inundated with images and memories of Julia in the hospital.   I was struck with such grief thinking about her suffering.  I was also attacked with feelings of sadness and regret thinking that I had not spent enough time with her when she was in the hospital.  The thought of her alone in that big hospital room in that big bed hooked up to all those wires without her mommy was almost more than I could bear.  I know that these are not thoughts from God (the ones of failure and discouragement) and that I did the best I could at the time.  I also know that Julia was cared for very very well at Lucile Packard.  But even as I write this, it just makes me so sad thinking of her laying there without me next to her.  It makes tears come to my eyes.  I guess I just never thought our time together would be so short.  I prioritized Mattie so that her life would remain as stable and normal as possible as Bob and I were dealing with crisis.  I still think I made the right decision prioritizing Mattie.  It was just a horrible situation.  No one should have to be torn between her kids. I just had to trust God then and I have to continue to trust Him now that He was holding her every moment I wasn't and He is still holding her now even when I can't. 

Happy 9 months, my sweet orange-headed Julia.  You are still thought of and still loved greatly.

The Julia bench!

Some of you reading this have been a part of the Julia bench project for the past 6 months.  For some of you, this will be new news.  So let me tell you the story about this wonderful and amazing gift that has been many months in the making and given to us in honor of our sweet Julia Alexandra Brown.

The backstory:
Mt. Hermon is a beautiful Christian conference ground that is nestled in the Santa Cruz mountains.  It consists of 3 different "camps" and is a total 440 acres.  It is huge.  Both Bob and I have been on various retreats there over the years as both singles and as a married couple.  The Ponderosa camp is where I took my 6th graders for science camp every year.  Surrounded by acres of redwood forest, it has been a place of peace, refuge, and a place to connect with God for both Bob and me.  In the Julia story, it has been a place of escape and retreat for us.  We were able to stay there for a weekend not long after getting the Down syndrome diagnosis when I was pregnant with Julia.  We were in the pit of despair at that point and just need to get away.  For both Bob and me, the forest is as close to Heaven as we can get on earth.  We spent a lot of time walking the trails and sitting by a stream just being quiet.  It was such a hard time in our lives but so therapeutic to be in the forest.  Then, just days after Julia died, we were given the opportunity to go spend a weekend at Mt. Hermon again in a cabin.  It was such a gift!  Again, we were able run away to the mountains and the forest to have the space to process... or just start the process.  We had an amazing view of nothing but trees outside our window.  It was glorious.  Here is a photo of it I took that weekend:

It was so wonderful to have a place to be alone.  A place with no expectations.  That weekend was wonderful but a bit out of the twilight zone.  I just remember walking around the conference grounds and Santa Cruz that weekend with everyone living their "normal" seemingly happy lives and feeling like I was walking in total slow motion.  I was living a nightmare and no one around me knew it.  I was just so thankful to get back to our cabin and be able to just stare out those magnificent windows a those majestic trees.

After Julia died, Bob and I had so many decisions to make that we never thought we'd ever have to make... what do we do with Julia's body?  Bury? Cremate? Do we get a plot? or a niche in a columbarium?  We just didn't feel like we wanted Julia to be stuck in some random cemetery here in the Bay Area.  Though we don't see ourselves moving anytime soon, we don't know what the future will hold for us.  And we also didn't feel like a cemetery was the type of place we'd like to go and sit to remember Julia.  After our time at Mt. Hermon after Julia died, we talked about looking into what it would take to get a bench made at Mt. Hermon somewhere on the conference grounds.  That seemed to fit much better as a place to go to remember Julia.  A place that is peaceful and is as beautiful as she was.  But we didn't know if one could even do that kind of thing.  Several days after returning from that weekend, I mentioned my thoughts to my dear friend, Christa.  Her dad works for Mt. Hermon and I thought maybe she could find out from him if it was possible or what it would take to have a bench made.  She said she'd look into it.

The bench in the making... only we didn't know about it!
Well, not only did Christa look into it, but she talked to her dad and she started a secret mulit-month project that involved her dad getting permission at Mt. Hermon as well as reaching out to many friends to collect money for a Julia bench.  I had no idea she was working on this project.  After Julia died, we were thrown back into the craziness of "life" and we put the Julia bench project aside figuring we'd get around to it later.   So almost 6 months after Julia passed away, enough money had been collected and all the various permissions were granted at Mt. Hermon as well as someone was found to build the bench.  It was quite an undertaking!  In fact, her dad was able to get it approved for the bench to be put on the trail that is directly under the cabin that we stayed at after Julia died.  Incredible!  So it was at that time that Christa was *finally* able to tell me this secret she'd been keeping for 6 *long* months!  She was about to burst! I was blown away!  I could not believe it.  It was exactly what we had hoped for.  I could not believe how blessed we were to have this gift that involved so many people.  But I really have Christa and her parents to thank.  They are the ones who really made it happen!

Seeing the bench (3 days before the 6-month mark of Julia's death):
The bench was completed and we needed a chance to go see it.  My mom was in town and so we thought it would be nice to go see it while she was here.  So today we drove over the hill to Santa Cruz for the morning and then after lunch drove up to Mt. Hermon to see the bench.  We were able to find it right away.  It is beautifully made out of thick sturdy wood that will last a long long time.  In the next few weeks a plaque will be put on it with Julia's name, her birth and death date, and the reference to Jeremiah 1:5.  It was so special.  When we first walked down to see it, a couple was sitting on it.  That made me happy, too, to think about countless people who will stop and read the plaque, sit and rest, and take in the beauty before them.  They didn't know Julia, but they will think about her for just that moment when they read the plaque.  By seeing that, they will know she was loved and that she was a very special little girl.  She will not be forgotten.  That makes me very happy and thankful.  I look forward to spending some time alone on the bench at least once a year to reflect on my sweet little girl.  I am so happy that the bench is where I can go, surrounded by the trees and by God.

Here are some pictures:

Isn't it beautiful?!

This is the view from the bench.

Thank you to all who helped make the Julia bench a reality.  Many have contributed money to this gift of love for our family.  But again, I especially thank Christa and her parents, Don and Linda Brosemle for pursuing this and loving us so much through it. 

Julia would have been 8 months today...

It's hard to believe she would have been 8 months old today.  I wonder what she would be like.  I wonder what milestones she would have reached. 

I saw a young man with Down syndrome today at a mall.  It brought up a whole mixture of feelings.  I live with both grief and relief concerning the death of Julia and it makes me feel very conflicted.  I feel guilt because of this.  My therapist tells me this is very normal but I don't like it one bit.  I miss my baby.  But the life she had and potentially the life she would have had was a difficult one.  I would not want that for her or our family.  It's messy and that's all there is to it.  And it is sad.  It's just very sad.  But only sad for us left here on Earth.  Julia is in Heaven.  She is healed and she is happy.  So I hold on to that.  And I remain sad and confused and conflicted and relieved and sad again.  That's the way it is and that is the way it will be. The 18th will come and the 18th will go and I will remember her.  One day I will forget how old she would have been.  One day the 18th will come and go and I will not remember until the 19th or the 20th.  I will feel weird and I will feel guilty about it.  But that's okay.  That's just the way it goes.  It would not have been this way in Eden.  There wouldn't have been dates to remember and grieve.  One day... one day not soon enough, we'll all be together reunited in Heaven.  That will be an amazing day.  Until that great day, it is my job to try to live life to the fullest, to love others to the fullest, to appreciate what God had given me here on Earth, and to know and love God more and more.  Not easy tasks.

My Julia ring...

It's been a few weeks in the making, but I got my Julia ring today from a friend whose family has a jewelry business.  I am so excited to have it.  I photographed it with my "Mattie ring."  I plan to wear the rings as a set on my right ring finger.  I had thought about the design of this ring shortly after Julia passed away.  I am thankful to Matt who helped make it a reality.  I have never been a big jewelry person, but since I had my "Mattie ring", I really wanted a ring for Julia that I could wear every day, maybe for the rest of my life, to remind me of her.  I wanted something tangible I could touch when I could not touch her.  To understand my desire for such a ring, it helps to know the story of both rings.

The significance of the rings:
The Mattie ring (thin ring with the blue sapphire): 
Originally, this is the ring that Bob used to propose to me.  It held the diamond that is in my wedding ring.  This ring belonged to his mother, Sally.   It was the ring Bob's dad used to propose to his mother and the ring she wore for close to 20 years before his dad passed away from cancer in 1985.  Sally eventually remarried and so when Bob was going to propose, she offered the ring to Bob to give to me.  I loved the ring and its history and significance and was honored to wear it.  But as you can see, it is pretty dainty and I was worried about that.  So Bob and I decided to take the diamond out of the ring and design our own ring for me to wear as my wedding ring.  (Matt also made my wedding ring!)  Then 6 months after we were married, we decided to put a stone in the original ring so it could be worn.  No use having it just sit in a box somewhere.  The question that remained was, what stone?  My birthstone is a diamond.  I already had one of those on my left hand so I certainly didn't want two.  We went to a jewelry store and looked at several.  I finally decided on this Carolina Sapphire.  It is slightly lighter than a true sapphire.  I picked it because I thought that blue, especially this lighter blue, was the most versatile color.  That's it.  The stone chosen was not particularly significant... until our daughter Mattie was born.  She was supposed to be born in October but was born 3 weeks early in September.  And amazingly, the sapphire is the September birthstone!  It was at that point, I began wearing that ring most every day.  I would say that I wore "Bob" on my left and and "Mattie" on my right. 

The Julia ring:
Thicker band of gold with 3 small topaz stones embedded in it. 

Even before Julia was born, I had contemplated a ring for her.  I had my Mattie ring.  So shouldn't I have a ring for Julia?  Of course, jewelry is expensive, so it was only something I jokingly brought up to Bob from time to time.  However, once she passed away, I decided this was something I really wanted to have and Bob was in agreement and very supportive of making it happen.  Julia was born in November.  November's birthstone is certainly not my favorite, topaz.  So I didn't want a big topaz stone to wear.  And I had my Mattie ring.  I wanted to be able to wear the rings at the same time.  However, I didn't think I wanted another ring on another finger.  That would be too many rings.  I'm not generally a glitzy person.  Since my Mattie ring is a solitaire engagement ring, I thought it only made sense to make a type of wedding band so that the two could be worn as a set.  Then I thought about putting a topaz stone embedded in the ring so it would be subtle.  However, just one small stone seemed a bit too subtle.  I'm not sure what thought came first, but I realized that if I put 3 stones in the ring, it could be symbolic of Julia's Down syndrome, trisomy 21... 2 stones and then 1 for 21.  And 3 stones just seemed the right balance.  I told my mom about my idea of the ring.  She was able to take the significance of the 3 stones to an even deeper level.  She pointed out that both my miscarriages were in November and so therefore, each topaz stone represents each baby I have in Heaven waiting for me.  Wow, perfect.  Three stones it is.  It is eerie, but my 1st trimester miscarriage (before Mattie), my 2nd trimester miscarriage (after Mattie), and Julia's birthday are all within about 10 days of each other.  This is not only my Julia ring, but the ring for my 2 other babies whom I have yet to meet. 

Mattie draws a picture of our family

We were at a Cracker Barrel in Florida having lunch and on the kids' menu, there was a space to draw a picture of your family.  Mattie drew a picture that included Mommy, Daddy, Mattie, and Julia.  I wish I took a photo of it to post on the blog.  It was very cute.  Instead of stick figure of Julia, she made an oval with a head on top as if Julia was wrapped in a blanket. 

Julia is on an airplane in Heaven...

Yesterday we flew to Jacksonville, Florida.  As we were taking off from SFO, Mattie looks at me and says, "I bet Julia is having fun flying today.  I think she is on an airplane in Heaven."  I told her I bet she was right and that I wished Julia was here on the plane with us. 

Formula

I had 6 cans of formula left over from Julia.  It was "prescribed" to her so they sent me 6 cans at once.  I was trying to decide what to do with it.  I could give it away to friends having babies.  That's what I did with Julia's disposable diapers.  However, I felt like I wanted to give the formula to women in need.  There is a house in East Palo Alto that provides safe Christ centered housing and support services to teen mothers and children ages 13-22.  It is their mission to encourage academic, vocational, parenting, life skill, and social development.  That sounded perfect.  So today, Mattie and I drove up to EPA together to drop off the formula.  I also donated a couple of baby bottles as well.  I told Mattie what we were doing and that the formula would help other babies who needed it.  I was glad Mattie could be a part of it.  I really have a heart's desire to live more missionally.  I want a lifestyle of serving others.  However, I'm not always very good about making it happen.   I don't make it a big enough priority.  It is much easier to live in my bubble.  So one step at a time.  How did it feel dropping off the formula today?  It felt bittersweet.  The formula was one of the last things in the house that was Julia's, besides the clothes and such that I saved.  I was sad.  But I was also happy that the formula would nourish other babies who really needed it.  That made me happy.