Recalling Julia’s final day… Earth-side
Julia had been agitated the afternoon before starting at around 4 or 5pm. She just couldn’t “settle.” Her head would toss, her arms would flail, her legs would push against me. I ended up giving her some anti-anxiety medication to help her relax. Her respiratory rate had increased. But this was not too unusual. She had just had 2 really good days. She had been alert and had been connecting with us through her eyes. She finally fell asleep in the arms of my mother being rocked in the rocking chair. Later that evening around 7pm, I had to give her more antianxiety meds as she became wrestless again. Meanwhile, Bob left for the airport. He had a big meeting in LA for work the next day. It was not just any meeting. All the executive staff were going to be there and Bob was going to make a 30 minute presentation. It was an fun and exciting opportunity for him. I encouraged him to go. Julia had been doing so well. Who knows how long she would have… days, weeks? We couldn’t put our life on hold for the unknown. So he left. At 10pm, when Julia was still not settling, I gave her methadone, an anti pain med that stayed in the body for a good 6 hours, so that she could sleep. Finally, she fell asleep. The middle of the night was tough, too. She woke up when I had to change her feeding bag. She was wrestless again. She seemed uncomfortable. Her respiratory rate was still high. I was exhausted. I was spent. I found myself being agitated toward her. Couldn’t she just sleep? How much longer could I do this? How long would she go on like that? I hated seeing her that way. I gave her another dose of methadone. Sleep came again. Then that morning when I woke up, Julia’s breathing was different. Her respiratory rate was slower, but her breaths seemed much more shallow. She was sleeping. That morning is a blur. I had to get Mattie to school. She wanted to stay home in her pajamas so I had to focus my attention on getting her ready. I also had to go into our local school to register Mattie for kindergarten. I had to get home by 10am because the hospice nurse was coming by to check on Julia. My brother was flying in at noon to come meet Julia. There was a lot on my mind. When I got home, Julia was still sleeping in her bed. My mom didn’t want to disturb her. Her breaths were still the same, slower and shallower. The nurse came and checked her out. She confirmed that Julia was mostly breathing with the top of her lungs and not much or any air was moving in the lower part. She said that the end would be coming in the not too distant future. But with Julia, it was hard to know what that meant. Doctors had thought she had “days” or even possibly “hours” before. Julia was a fighter. She always ended up improving. I didn’t know what to think. I could tell, however, that she looked weak. She looked tired. She did not really wake up. Her body was pretty limp. It was like how she had been when we took her home from the hospital 4 days previous. She didn’t look good. It soon became time to pick my brother, Branden, up from the airport. So I handed Julia into the arms of a grandmother and headed off. I picked up my brother, we grabbed In and Out, and came home. Branden got to hold her for a bit. I took pictures. I’m so glad I did. I had no idea that Julia’s time was going to be so short. At 2pm, my brother and I picked up Mattie from school. Mattie absolutely adores her uncle, or “Unc” as she calls him. They spent the afternoon in the hot tub and playing. My mother in law, Sally, was holding Julia on the couch and I was next to her getting caught up on emails and blog posts. A little before 4pm, I looked over at Julia. Her breaths were getting even shallower. I was concerned. I took Julia from Sally and held her. Sally suggested I call the hospice nurse. Good idea. So I did. She would be able to be at our house in 30 minutes. What do I do about Bob? I didn’t know. I knew he was supposed to present at around 3pm. Do I call? Do I have him rush back home? What if she limps along in this state for the next 3 days? He’d be back the next day. I was torn. I watched her breath. I was scared. I had a large rock in my stomach. My sweet Julia was not looking good. Her breaths became so weak. She would even stop breathing for a few seconds from time to time. Bob wasn’t going to be able to make it back. The end truly was near. Oh Lord! I just sat there spellbound by every shallow breath. I held my breath every time she stopped breathing for a second. Then she would gasp. It was horrible to watch. I called my friend, Karin and asked her to come over. We grew up together and now she is a pastor at the Presbyterian church where Mattie goes to school. She has walked the difficult road of Julia’s life with me. Her daughter, Hope, was born 5 days after Julia. I asked her to come over. Both Karin and the hospice nurse arrived within minutes of each other around 4:30pm. The hospice kept listening to her heart. At around 4:40 or so, the nurse told me that Julia’s heart rate was slowing down and that I should hold her close because it wouldn’t be long. Oh no! Bob! What do I do? I was so scared. I texted Bob and told him that he needed to leave his meeting and call me right away. He called. I talked to him on the phone and told him it would be very very soon and that he was not going to make it in time to see her. He said he would get on the next plane. I held the phone up to Julia’s ear and had him talk to her. It was during this or right before that her heart stopped beating. After I hung up the phone, Sharon, the hospice nurse informed me that her heart wasn’t beating any more. I couldn’t believe it! She was really gone! I was numb. How could that be? I held her and kissed her and told her how much I loved her.
To be continued…
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